I'm so happy today!

My naked friend.

Thinking

Hi,

It's been almost two months since I got to Maryland. I just set up "home" here in Frederick. Mom was here with me for the first month or so, she went home a few weeks ago.

My job has been good to me so far. My co-workers are good people and my boss is wonderful. The work is interesting. Only, I kinda think this isn't my "calling", so to speak. Did I tell you what else I was gonna do with my life?

I spent the first three weekends here with my Mom. She's far away, and I mean far
(and many of you may not know what far means) and doesn't get to see me often. There are four immediate members in my family, and everyone of us is in a different place. I admire my mom and I thank her so much for being understanding and being strong, for she never mentions one word about my returning home. She tells me that if I don't have the time, don't worry about not coming back, and she puts herself through long flights just so she can see us. How strong her love comes through in the silence, this nobody else will ever know.

It's remarkable how some things in life turn out. My good friend from "hometown" and I are planning a trip to Europe at the end of May for two weeks. He and I have known each other for almost a decade and a half now, and I haven't seen him for two and a half years, long enough for one to forget the other. But as old wines go, the longer they age, the better they taste. Just the other day, another mutual friend of ours, in response to an email I sent, wrote to say, "Hope we can talk more often. Maybe we could email each other every one or two weeks." This despite the fact he's happily married to a delightful girl I haven't met. Life is really like a box of chocolates, isn't it? There was a time some years ago, in the time of growing up, that I thought one day I'll be happily married with kids, and never knew the day when that happens, where would old friends be? Then there are other friends who keep asking me, when will I ever come back? Because they are the ones who never fail to reply my emails, I know that the question that they ask do mean a whole lot.

I guess it goes the same for other people I know. I don't know if you know (and now you do), I stalk. Yes, I do. And there's only one guy that I do. His name is Dan, and for right now, he lives about 6 to 7 hours away. That is not far away at all (if you know what far means). So if I'm really crazy, I can stalk him right outside his doorstep every weekend. But I'm not crazy, so I don't. I stalk him on the web (now isn't that so much less crazy?). Don't tell Dan! Because I only check his profiles on all those sites for stalkers and their best friends... actually, you may tell him, because I get to know Dan better as I look at his page, and in doing so, my wasted heart loves him even more, and this love doesn't want to go away, and so when all's said and done, I only wish for him to be happy and healthy.

Now there's a line in his profile that says, true to his words, how he sees his friends as family. I'm sorry, it does no justice to his wit and eloquence for me to paraphrase his words like that, but let's play a game, see if you can find Dan Waldo on myspace. And I know, despite the fact he's thinking about things (and I don't know what he's thinking), just like I am, he's happy! As he always is.

Difference? Lots. I'm thinking too, but I'm not doing that while home and with friends (you see, he has lots of cool friends) and fam, not doing that knowing one could pick and choose, not doing that while being Dan. And so at night when the silence of those cold, lonely walls deafens me, and in the morning when I wake up, I sometimes have the impulse to seek out a shrink to talk it over, am I just wasting my life away thinking and not doing? But luckily, I am made of strength and courage, and being the "sunshine boy" my Mom always reminds me that I was and still am, I realize that it just takes a little bit of patience.

How is patience taught? Through impatience and then some bit of prudence. Well, here goes... I just bought a new car! A Jeep Wrangler!


Now before you get the wrong idea, my new jeep will not be red in color. Further, I got the most basic trim because I just don't have the money for anything more. My jeep will not have power locks and power windows. It's such a throwback to the very first car my dad and mom had, yes isn't that retro cool? I will learn to appreciate the rustic charm of slow life in a fast car. (But I'm saving up for big wheels.)

Patience too, in life. Count my blessings and take stock of what I have. I have Dan as a friend, this I know, and I say cherish it, like I would seeing a kind, genuine smile. I don't care if Dan doesn't know what love is, for love is frivolous. My job, I cherish, because without it, there wouldn't be today. Someone here I've never seen invites me out because I responded to a personal (hopefully it's still happening), I hope we can be friends. And then as I climb out of the pool after another swim, feeling better already for those few moments, I like to think. I think I'm not having much of a life here, but I can work towards having one. This job, if I do it well, will give me much. And when I feel I've given it my due, I will work to find one that doesn't need to pay as much, but will give me more time to travel home, to travel and find friends, old and new, to live and enjoy, and to be with Dan, even if, when the time comes, he's no longer there. Surely, you may say, the pitfall is what this is all about, always living for the future and not for the present, but isn't that what it really is sometimes?

P.S. I needed some humor today, and not finding any with anyone, I went to Borders and picked up some books in the Humor section, and found some great humor there.