Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Dreaming


Today's another day I can't swim because it's threatening thunderstorms. It's going to be three days I haven't swum. I shall have to do my "perfect" pushups at home -- which aren't quite the same as swimming. I want to swim! I'm going to work on my body, storm or not.

I've been looking at homes in Buffalo and Amherst. I want to go there someday and I tell myself I will. This will be in, say, ten years, though. And I'm daydreaming now but it seems so real. Why are the homes in North Bailey so much less than other Amherst homes? I look at other neighborhoods around the university and in parts of Buffalo such as Allentown, too.

I also want to start learning french again in addition to the german classes I'm taking right now, but I'm not sure if that is wise in terms of time. Besides the exercise, fitness, the tennis, learning languages is my joy. I've got this book with pictures and a list of my joyful interests -- it is not my intention to do everything at once but I sometimes imagine about that.

I read gay news and gay life websites everyday and I wonder what I can do. What can I do and what do I want to do?

I was planning to upload a photo and say I got the photo above from the outsports website, but it is not letting me for some reason.

Update (11/19): I figured it out. So there's the picture. And then, I wonder sometimes if I'm a little enchanted, so many people say mean things about Buffalo. But I'm in love, and love's beauty will save the world and will make Buffalo a beautiful, lovely place.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Tennis reflection II


I need to hit more cleanly on my forehand and not let the grip twist around in my hand.

The serve is hard to get right on my own being as complex as it is. I'm getting the hang of the footwork for the serve now. The toss and the swing needs a lot of work.

I'm more aware of my footwork, the split step now.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Swimming reflection I


Today I realized I haven't improved my swimming much, as my speed in the water is still the same, and slower than competition. I am trying not to drop my elbows, but I don't know if I am actually doing it or not.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Tennis reflection I


Today I played my first real tennis after writing the last note on improving my tennis.

I think I made some improvements today.

I had the chance to only practise two aspects today, the forehand and the backhand. I only did a few volleys, but more of that later. But maybe I should also consider probably the key improvement, the footwork and the split step, too.

The backhand was much better. I leaned into the shot. The racquet head take-back was improved. The preparation of the feet was better, and I was able to bend for the low shots and not fall back too much on the deep or high shots, though this needs more improvement. As a result I was more consistent and had increased power as well.

I made a conscious effort to impart more horizontal action on the ball on my forehand. I thought I made more shots than before, but I know that the improvement was not as marked as the backhand. I think that on the low shots, I definitely need to use more horizontal action, but the trick is to do that with spin as well -- I definitely need some practise on that. On the high shots, I can definitely hit a deep shot with spin, but I must make sure not to overhit the spin and cause the racquet to twist in my hands (that happens on the low shots too if I use the wrong technique). Also if the shot comes at me fast, I must make sure to use the right swinging motion. I should make sure to go under the ball so it clears the net, but not use too much spin.

On the volleys, I strained my knee. And that's because of my poor footwork. This really highlights how important the split step is, and I made sure I used the split step after it happened. Footwork, the split step, they are indeed the foundation, and I think much of my improvement is due to that.

Also I'm thinking about language lessons, maybe after I have my books again.

My tennis partners have been my friends pretty much, but what happens when they are not around? Who can I play tennis with, I wonder.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Surfing for tennis and over-singing


I think the national anthem in the USA is over-played, over-sung, over-performed. When I googled this idea and found an article on this (the writer had a different take on why he thought so), there were a bunch of typically nasty comments. But I highlight two comments (yes, two) that were on my side.

"I agree with Moore 100%. Save the national anthem for more appropriate times; like limiting it to the beginning of Championship series or the likes of an season opening game, parades, etc.

It's so over used that it's lost it's reverence. How many times do the players start walking around before the song is done. It gets lost in all the pregame hype. And Tv networks have gone to televising it at the beginning of a series and at the start of potential close out games.

If you want the National Anthem to have reverence, treat it so, not like the drinking song it's tune originated from and as it's now degraded by all the drunk and methed out fans of today.

And, yeah, I could go into how the Star Spangled Banner is used to condition all you to the hoo-ah of the war machine, but that's another story. For now I agree with most here that there's a need for a revered national anthem - so let's use it appropriately."

"I see a bunch of morons claiming the writer is anti-American and a liberal commie for not wanting the national anthem before sporting events anymore.

I love America and everything about it, but frankly I am a bit annoyed at how frequently the national anthem is played. Don't get me wrong, I understand what it means and where it comes from, but do we really need to play the anthem before a whiffle ball game?

Plus, only 67% of the population knows the lyrics.

If you people think the writer is an anti-American liberal commie for writing his comments, wow just get out of my country, there's enough retards in it already."

Monday, August 10, 2009

Trying to improve my tennis


I am discovering all the errors in my tennis technique and starting to fix them bit by bit.

To get the correct leg action on my serve, I need to put my weight on my right leg and take off on it during the upswing.

For my volleys, I need to adopt the proper preparation stance and make cross-steps to get to the ball. I need to grip my racket tight and keep my wrist steady as I make the volley

My forehand needs a stronger horizontal motion so that I can get good depth on my shots while imparting good spin on the ball. I need to make sure my grip is steady. Sometimes the handle turns in my hand. That is because I mistakenly grip it a little too extremely on switching back to a forehand grip in the middle of the rally.

I need to make sure I hit my backhands through the shot everytime, like I do when I am properly set up so that I don't end up getting jammed on the shot. Sometimes I also get jammed due to a lack of confidence on the shot. If I get my feet ready and adopt the right stance, posture and body weight balance, I can hit through the shot well.

I just read a little and saw a short clip on the split-step. Basically the split-step is a hop and putting the two feet close together and then quickly widening the stance again. This is good footwork preparation for the shot.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I think it's that way, but I can't remember


Originally drafted 1/25/09.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Do you sometimes?


When you're out with really old friends (and perhaps particularly of the singapore variety), do you sometimes get carried away? Maybe because you were once really close, but now there's some awkwardness and you haven't seen them in a long time, and you try to be funny too hard and say silly things? Or try too hard to get your point across?

Do you sometimes say things and then forget what said during conversations?

Friday, July 10, 2009

Le bizarre du monde


Interesting article in the Advocate today about a notorious homophobe from Singapore being invited to NYU of all places. I understand where some of the comments come from and express dismay at and would protest NYU's decision. This aside, I couldn't help but entertain the thought that not a few commenters do not realize that such close-minded people exist in all countries and blanket labels are misleading.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Le Chinois


"Transactional" can be a word to describe the Singaporean mentality.

Not totally related: Since coming back to Singapore a month ago, I feel I have adjusted my outward behavior somewhat in tune with the people here. The pre-occupation of conversation with financial rat races, the rather conservative, non-confrontational social mindset.

I think to some extent one can modify his external persona without really changing his inner personality. To some extent, though at some point the persona begins to overtake the personality.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Neighbors


I live in a small walk-up condominium block in a leafy Singapore neighborhood popular with expatriates. This morning when I was downstairs on my way to the local store to buy the morning newspapers, I spotted a neighbor of mine I haven't seen before without his shirt. He had tanned skin, blond hair and hunky muscles. He was a little far away when I spotted him and was gone in a flash. Saturday party. So that's one of my neighbors.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Searching for a pool in Singapore


I just moved back from the states to the equatorial island of Singapore due to the unfortunate loss of my job owing to the recession. My home is in the southwest-central part of the island (to be quite exact). I love the many beautiful big trees here. I don't think I can call anywhere else in Singapore home.

I've been swimming for the past couple of weeks or so at the public pool near my home. I'm not used to the number of people, the lack of lane lines, the stifling temperature and salinity of the water, and I didn't think I'd say this, but I miss the pools in Frederick. Today some lanes were blocked off halfway during my swim and I decided to get out rather than squeeze. I drove myself to the another pool somewhat farther away just to take a look but that didn't seem any better on a regular day.

Also, I need to get back to swimming better. I left Frederick with my stand-in coach saying I have a nice freestyle. I need to get back to being smooth with the stroke.

I think I'll stay with the first pool nearest my home and try to get better over there.

There's this nice-looking dude with the works who swims pretty well. He got lucky today swimming beside the only lane line, and so he stayed when I left. Maybe next time I can get lucky too.

I sat with my little baby nephew at the balcony tonight and looked outside for a while together. He can't talk coherently but can say some simple words badly. We pointed out cars, vans, taxis, trees, and said hallo and bye to whoever happened to come within view.

I'm still searching for a job. I was filling in an application form but had to put it aside halfway. I should continue that tomorrow and work a little harder maybe. Tonight I caught a little of Wimby tennis on a very choppy connection. I don't have sports cable TV here and don't think I'll get it soon, so this works for now.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

My tennis article


I'm a recreational tennis player with a healthy amount of interest in tennis technique. Last night I picked up a racquet on a court again after a long time. I've also thought about writing a personal article on some techniques that need particular attention so that I may reach a consistent level of tennis.

It starts with the footwork. Take small, quick, smooth steps, get into the correct stance, posture and position, and bend the knees to reach low balls. Be sure to use the correct grip and achieve consistency by holding the neck of the racquet with the left arm and using it to help with grip changes. In the execution of the forehand and backhand, remember to get under the ball and follow through above the shoulders in a smooth, natural stroke. Release the racquet neck with the right timing when hitting the backhand to hit a smooth stroke. Toss the ball consistently by reaching to the sky with the tossing arm and hit the serve with some spin. Volley the ball by holding the wrist steady, keeping the eyes open and taking a shuffle or side step.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Going home


Haven't written for some time. I'm going home tomorrow. My visa to the US is expiring and I am saying goodbye for now. Goodbye to the swimming pools in Frederick and my friends here. I will see you in Singapore. Will write again.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Beauty will save the world

Monday, September 01, 2008

Central Park New York

Sunday, July 06, 2008

if you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two impostors just the same


2008 Wimbledon men's final, what a magical night.

Monday, June 30, 2008

tender breeze evening caress


Allez Gasquet.

Friday, May 30, 2008

This is my land




Thursday, April 24, 2008

son revers


I like Gasquet's tennis very much, and I absolutely love his backhand. Hope he does better.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Like a Dolphin Loves the Ocean

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Soldier's Girl

Supa Bola!


What drama & Excitement!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Farewell, Heath

Saturday, December 15, 2007

St Croix Diary Part II


Today I head back home from St Croix. I am once again at the Deep End. This morning's swim was good. I think I'm really getting better at swimming.

I wish to log this entry because I am seeing a hot dude in front of me here déjà. I had that same feeling of revisitation when I spotted him. A month ago, I saw him walking in Christiansted with a backpack on his shoulders. Then as I was brunching at the Deep End, this very Deep End, the next day, he came by with a friend for a quick drink. He was and still is handsome. I wish I had a picture of someone like him in my files to show. There he is at the bar tending it. Bartending is probably one of the jobs that I've long dreamt about trying, more so especially now, though I don't think I ever would, you know. I'd be too distracted by men :-).

St Croix can be really pretty sometimes. I know this may sound like sacrilege to people who love the island, but oh well. This morning was one such pretty morning. The sun was bright, the breeze was cool, and there were a few lovely white fluffy clouds floating in the blue sky. The hills were especially green. I drove down to Christiansted and took a short walk around the fort.

P.S. I think most men who are good-looking know they're good-looking. Stuff they say about guys not knowing how good-looking they are just seems unbelievable to me.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

St Croix Diary


My job requires or allows me, depending on your point of view, to travel down here to St. Croix every now and then, about one or two weeks a month currently. I am down on this island again tonight. St. Croix is an enigma for me. I am excited the first few days and nights I am here. It never fails to be a welcome change from the humdrum of long, tiring workdays in Maryland. But by the end of the week, I want to go home. Island paradise it may or may not be.

I am sitting at the Deep End Bar writing this while gulping down a crab and cabbage spring roll. The waitress who meant to serve me initially saw me swimming in the big, bright pool before dinner. I was doing flip turns and swimming as hard and fast as I could. She asked me if that was what I did when I'm down here and said she and her friend were in the swim team and were watching me. I said yeah, that's what I do when I'm down here -- it gives me a workout.

What I didn't tell her, the water was cold tonight. What I didn't tell her was that I swim all the time. I swim every day, almost. Sometimes I'm tired from work or kept from swimming by work, and don't swim as hard. And it's about the only sport I do now. No friends exist in Maryland to hit tennis balls with. Swimming alone keeps me company.

What I didn't ask her was, was I good? Where did you swim? I never did ask her. Instead I must have appeared reserved and reluctant to make conversation. In fact, I definitely did. Was it because I was uncomfortable with speaking loudly in a very public place so everyone would hear what I say? Or was it because I was afraid to admit that I was working here, that I'm always here alone? Maybe it was the fact that I'm afraid to admit my conflicted emotions about... about what, about many things in my life that I've had too much opportunity to think about, being alone most of the time now. No, I've become rather afraid of talking with strangers now, afraid to let them know I'm a pathetic foreign misfit in a land that I almost cease to exist but for my own little world.

The wind is blowing strong now. This bar is right beside the ocean and tonight, at this time of year, the wind is gusting up strong from the northeast. It seems to want to sweep away all my thoughts. But all my thoughts remain bottled up in my head and pouring onto this diary. All around me, soft romantic little golden bulbs light up the wonderful, wispful, festive, northern music playing soothingly on the deck. I see groups of people, friends saying goodbye, the waitress talking with all her friends who seem to be here at the restaurant tonight.

Strange this is not the first time all this seems to be happening to me.

Whenever I think like this, I feel like jumping into the pool again to swim away all my thoughts. Not only those thoughts, but everything. I'm working hard and soon they will change!

Before all this happened though, I was out looking for groceries. Why do I say "looking"? Because I didn't find any? The vegetables looked limp and the meat clunky. I am inspired to become a good cook by Jamie Oliver. Did you see his new book, "Cook with Jamie"? I remember when I was about 17, I took a 700-question "What is your career?" test, and the one and only result that came out from it was "chef"!
Did you know it belongs in one of the many dreams I'm dreaming?

But of course, I didn't find anything resembling Jamie on this island. Though another curious thing, perhaps of note, happened while I was at Pueblo. A cute 20-something white guy suddenly appeared in front of me (and then was gone in a flash). He was rather tall and had a short buzz cut. He looked extremely familiar but as soon as I saw him, an odd feeling came over me, as acute as his appearance was sudden. Where had I seen him? Was it back in Maryland? Was it in a picture, one of the many cute guys I see in pictures all over the web? Was it a ghost from the past coming back to haunt me? Then I realized he worked at the refinery, one of the cute ones. He had a funny naughty sly look about him, as some cute ones can be. As is the guy sitting across at the other table right now. Older, but cute, and naughty-looking.

It's not just naughty-looking, but like the type you would loathe. And they're here for the refinery, like me, but they must like it better? How could they? To me, it's great only in comparison with what goes on back at the office.

Last thought for the night: I really want to finish up the "goals" list a few notches down.



P.S. Nights are silent in the northern winter, but nights are alive with the cries of insects in the tropics.

(December 14, evening: At the Deep End, the guitarist is playing and singing, and I hear the waves crashing and feel the ocean breeze.)

Friday, November 30, 2007

Love


Monday, October 01, 2007

An autumn night on East College


Saturday, September 22, 2007

Wide-eyed wondering


Some time ago, I wrote these goals down. What has become of them? Over the next few days, I shall write about them, and also write down my new goals.

From March 16, 2007:

Short-term goals

- Read at least one book at least four nights each week (at least half an hour each night - starting tomorrow)
I have been reading many books. I love books.
- Keep up on current affairs by reading and watching the news, programs/shows on TV (starting next week - at least one hour each week)
- Watch interesting movies on my Netflix once a week (starting next week)
- Devote four hours each week studying languages (starting next week)
- Start more constructive swim training, with Matt's help (if he is willing) (within this month)
- Discover the arts with John (within the next two months)
- Find out about harmonicas (for the next two months)
- Read "Successful Dog Adoption" and visit animal shelters (three to six months)
- Find out more about organizations to join to make new friends (two to six months)
- Travel to Europe in May (two months out)

Medium-term goals

- Try out one organization by the middle of summer (July 15 - in four months)
- If successful, stick with it. If not, try out another by end of summer (September 15 - in six months). Keep trying at least one every two months if not successful.
- Bonus goal (give myself a pat on the back if I can make this): Try to see if I can join a second organization. (by year's end)
- Visit my friends in Purdue (by end of summer)
- Perform more than adequately at work (everyday)
- Take stock of life by end of summer and think about medium-term goals again

Long-term goals

- Go home and see my parents and old friends! (By summer of 2008)
- Think about career paths, what other careers that are interesting and meaningful to me that I really have a passion for, especially that I don't consider making money a big goal, so more time off to travel to places, back home, visit friends would be ideal. (two years)
- Maintain friendship with Dan, if destiny permits (two years)

Other lesser goals

- Put a real picture up on my myspace, facebook, and blogger, and link them. (By the third month of my joining an aquatics club!)

Icelandia


By Peggy Mihelich
CNN

REYKJAVIK, Iceland (CNN) -- Iceland may be best known for world-famous musical export Bjork but there's a new star quickly gaining this island nation worldwide acclaim -- clean energy.

For more than 50 years Iceland has been decreasing its dependence on fossil fuels by tapping the natural power all around this rainy, windswept rock of fire.

Waterfalls, volcanoes, geysers and hot springs provide Icelanders with abundant electricity and hot water.

Virtually all of the country's electricity and heating comes from domestic renewable energy sources -- hydroelectric power and geothermal springs.

It's pollution-free and cheap.

Yet these energy pioneers are still dependent on imported oil to operate their vehicles and thriving fishing industry.

Iceland's geographic isolation in the North Atlantic makes it expensive to ship in gasoline -- it costs almost $8 a gallon (around $2 a liter).

Iceland ranks 53rd in the world in greenhouse gas emissions per capita, according to the Carbon Dioxide Information Analysis Center -- the primary climate-change data and information analysis center of the U.S. Department of Energy.

Retired University of Iceland Professor Bragi Arnason has come up with a solution: Use hydrogen to power transportation. Hydrogen is produced with water and electricity, and Iceland has lots of both.

"Iceland is the ideal country to create the world's first hydrogen economy," Arnason explains. His big idea has earned him the nickname "Professor Hydrogen."

Arnason has caught the attention of General Motors, Toyota and DaimlerChrysler, who are using the island-nation as a test market for their hydrogen fuel cell prototypes.

One car getting put through its paces is the Mercedes Benz A-class F-cell -- an electric car powered by a DaimlerChrysler fuel cell. Fuel cells generate electricity by converting hydrogen and oxygen into water. And fuel cell technology is clean -- the only by-product is water.


"It's just like a normal car," says Asdis Kritinsdottir, project manager for Reykjavik Energy. Except the only pollution coming out of the exhaust pipe is water vapor. It can go about 100 miles on a full tank. When it runs out of fuel the electric battery kicks in, giving the driver another 18 miles -- hopefully enough time to get to a refueling station. Filling the tank is similar to today's cars -- attach a hose to the car's fueling port, hit "start" on the pump and stand back. The process takes about five to six minutes.

In 2003, Reykjavik opened a hydrogen fueling station to test three hydrogen fuel cell buses. The station was integrated into an existing gasoline and diesel station. The hydrogen gas is produced by electrolysis -- sending a current through water to split it into hydrogen and oxygen. The public buses could run all day before needing refueling.

The bus project lasted three years and cost around $10 million.

The city will need five refueling stations in addition to the one the city already has to support its busy ring road, according to Arnason. The entire nation could get by on 15 refueling stations -- a minimum requirement.

Within the year, 30-40 hydrogen fuel-cell cars will hit Reykjavik streets. Local energy company employees will do most of the test-driving but three cars will be made available to The Hertz Corp., giving Icelanders a chance to get behind the wheel.

"I need a car," says Petra Svenisdottir, an intern at Reykjavik Energy. Svenisdottir, 28, commutes to work from her home in Hafnarfjorour to Reykjavik. The journey takes her about 15 minutes if she can beat traffic. "If I didn't have a car I would have to take two or three buses and wait at each bus stop to arrive at work more than an hour later, cold and wet!"


Most Icelanders drive cars, says Arnason. Around 300,000 people live in a place about the size of the U.S. state of Kentucky. Transportation is limited to cars, buses and boats. "Everyone has a car here," Arnason says. And it's very typical for an Icelandic family to own two cars. Arnason drives a small SUV.

Fuel cell cars are expected to go on sale to the public in 2010. Carmakers have promised Arnason they will keep costs down and the government has said it will offer citizens tax breaks.

He figures it will take an additional 4 percent of power to produce the hydrogen Iceland would need to meet its transportation requirements.

Once Iceland's vehicles are converted over to hydrogen, the fishing fleet will follow. It won't be easy because of current technological limits and the high cost of storing large amounts of hydrogen, but Arnason feels confident it can happen. He predicts Iceland will be fossil fuel free by 2050.

"We are a very small country but we have all the same infrastructure of big nations," he said. "We will be the prototype for the rest of the world."

Sunday, September 16, 2007

garçon

tranquille


Hirosaki


Beziers

do you want to see


Big Brother is watching us all

By Humphrey Hawksley
BBC News, Washington

The US and UK governments are developing increasingly sophisticated gadgets to keep individuals under their surveillance. When it comes to technology, the US is determined to stay ahead of the game.

"Five nine, five ten," said the research student, pushing down a laptop button to seal the measurement. "That's your height."

"Spot on," I said.

"OK, we're freezing you now," interjected another student, studying his computer screen. "So we have height and tracking and your gait DNA".

"Gait DNA?" I interrupted, raising my head, so inadvertently my full face was caught on a video camera.

"Have we got that?" asked their teacher Professor Rama Challapa. "We rely on just 30 frames - about one second - to get a picture we can work with," he explained.

Tracking individuals

I was at Maryland University just outside Washington DC, where Professor Challapa and his team are inventing the next generation of citizen surveillance.

They had pushed back furniture in the conference room for me to walk back and forth and set up cameras to feed my individual data back to their laptops.

Gait DNA, for example, is creating an individual code for the way I walk. Their goal is to invent a system whereby a facial image can be matched to your gait, your height, your weight and other elements, so a computer will be able to identify instantly who you are.


"As you walk through a crowd, we'll be able to track you," said Professor Challapa. "These are all things that don't need the cooperation of the individual."
Since 9/11, some of the best scientific minds in the defence industry have switched their concentration from tracking nuclear missiles to tracking individuals such as suicide bombers.

Surveillance society

My next stop was a Pentagon agency whose headquarters is a drab suburban building in Virginia. The Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency (Darpa) had one specific mission - to ensure that when it comes to technology America is always ahead of the game.

Its track record is impressive. Back in the 70s, while we were working with typewriters and carbon paper, Darpa was developing the internet. In the 90s, while we pored over maps, Darpa invented satellite navigation that many of us now have in our cars.

"We ask the top people what keeps them awake at night," said its enthusiastic and forthright director Dr Tony Tether, "what problems they see long after they have left their posts."

"And what are they?" I asked.

He paused, hand on chin. "I'd prefer not to say. It's classified."

"All right then, can you say what you're actually working on now."

"Oh, language," he answered enthusiastically, clasping his fingers together. "Unless we're going to train every American citizen and soldier in 16 different languages we have to develop a technology that allows them to understand - whatever country they are in - what's going on around them.

"I hope in the future we'll be able to have conversations, if say you're speaking in French and I'm speaking in English, and it will be natural."

"And the computer will do the translation?"

"Yep. All by computer," he said.

"And this idea about a total surveillance society," I asked. "Is that science fiction?"

"No, that's not science fiction. We're developing an unmanned airplane - a UAV - which may be able to stay up five years with cameras on it, constantly being cued to look here and there. This is done today to a limited amount in Baghdad. But it's the way to go."


Smarter technology

Interestingly, we, the public, don't seem to mind. Opinion polls, both in the US and Britain, say that about 75% of us want more, not less, surveillance. Some American cities like New York and Chicago are thinking of taking a lead from Britain where our movements are monitored round the clock by four million CCTV cameras.

So far there is no gadget that can actually see inside our houses, but even that's about to change.

Ian Kitajima flew to Washington from his laboratories in Hawaii to show me sense-through-the-wall technology.

"Each individual has a characteristic profile," explained Ian, holding a green rectangular box that looked like a TV remote control.

Using radio waves, you point it a wall and it tells you if anyone is on the other side. His company, Oceanit, is due to test it with the Hawaiian National Guard in Iraq next year, and it turns out that the human body gives off such sensitive radio signals, that it can even pick up breathing and heart rates.

"First, you can tell whether someone is dead or alive on the battlefield," said Ian.

"But it will also show whether someone inside a house is looking to harm you, because if they are, their heart rate will be raised. And 10 years from now, the technology will be much smarter. We'll scan a person with one of these things and tell what they're actually thinking."

He glanced at me quizzically, noticing my apprehension.

"Yeah, I know," he said. "It sounds very Star Trekkish, but that's what's ahead."

From Our Own Correspondent was broadcast on Saturday, 15 September, 2007 at 1130 BST on BBC Radio 4. Please check the programme schedules for World Service transmission times.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

les dieux du stade





These days, I swim, read and learn. I don't feel lonely anymore. I earn money and I save money. Then I plan to go after my dreams.

Then there are beautiful men dancing in my mind.

My first real job


My first real job has given me a chance to live in America. This is a land where I'm free to lead my gayest life.
I'm learning a lot of things at this job. But I now know I have my dreams and they are elsewhere. When the time is right, I will leave it. I will go back to school and study what I really like!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Civilisations

I like playing the game "Civilizations III". It's the one and only electronic game I play. I imagine creating a beautiful country in the north, with glorious mountains, spectacular coastlines, and magnificent rivers and lakes. Great cities steeped in culture, built on awesome lands and linked by a remarkable network of roads abound. Tracing the civilisation through the passage of time, through the course of history, I gradually build my nations, nations of proud and happy folk.

After building nations for a while, I have stopped. I created two beautiful lands, proudly displayed below for all to see. Oh, the majestic, towering mountain ranges and the wild, wonderful coasts.




Saturday, August 25, 2007

Jason


Ridgeline films is here. Nice to see!

By the Light


This morning a man walked up to me with a bucket that read, "Help feed women and children, Prov xx:xx" while I was at a stoplight. He asked if I wanted to "help spread the word of God".

I didn't really have a good answer for him then. But after thinking for a bit, I think I know what to say the next time! I'll say, with a smile, "Does the word of God include social equality for gay people?"

I wanted to help.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

East End Bay, St Croix


I went skinny dipping today at a deserted bay at the east end of St Croix. Nobody was there! The sandy strip on the south shore of the island nearest to the pointed end, that's where I was. Tomorrow I may go to Jack or Isaac Bay, equally deserted beaches.

This trip to St Croix has been good. On the sidebar of this page, at the top, you can see some words I wrote today. I thought of them this morning.

I read my "Big Book of Jobs" on the pier deck this evening. I'm happy, I found my dreams again -- they were there, they were there.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Davis Bay


Davis Bay, St. Croix, July 29, 2007.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Europe, Tennis and Other Things


Had the most enriching journey of my life. Promise to tell you more about it.

Going for tennis lessons finally, soon. Has been the most exciting tennis period, Roland Garros, playing after a long hiatus, lessons in the near future, Wimby.

CNN's doing a special on Gay America. Read some comments and articles on their website. Will post my thoughts.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Jason Ridge and others (Kirk Ziegler, et al.)


My first post about porn (there has to be a first)! How it started: was checking Roids and Rants out several days ago, from a link on Tom in Paris (i.e., the coolest gay site of all). Roids and Rants is wicked. From there I checked out unzipped.net, titanmen.com, hothouse.com, josmanart.com, etc., and decided that Jason is the hottest cumshot boy outside of the pool, so here's a snapshot of him before I head for Cesky Krumlov and Roland Garros.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Keep a good thought


Keep a good thought.

Like a dream


Like a dream.

My mom said good things.

I'll let it go.

It's been a year since my posts from May 2006.

This blog's different than it was back then.

This is like a dream.

I don't write much here nowadays. I post a lot, but I write little. Don't tell anyone much, but told my mom and wrote my friend yesterday. This is like a dream. When will I wake up? It's true, really it is, I heard what was said, all those good things were said and I believed in good things. I believed in good things, and I really did. I wrote an email about good things, but maybe it wasn't right.

So I'll stop myself from writing good emails or making good phone calls. I'll send a postcard from Paris! I'll send a card at Christmas: "How are you? Haven't heard from you for some time. I'm doing fine here. Hope you are well."

Hope you are well. Maybe I'll let it go. Maybe I'll let it fly. Maybe it'll fly and soar. When do you think it'll fly high into the sky? See, I'll let it go, maybe we'll fly.

On this day, the thirteenth of May in the year two-thousand-and-seven, this is like a dream.

Here, take my hand.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

My Life


My phoning danny didn't go well today.

Wished my mom a happy mothers' day, told her some of what happened.

Emailed a friend of mine. Wrote down all my thoughts! Was kinda crazy.

Cried.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Gratitude is not a substitute for passion


The coolest blog, Tom in Paris.

Funny is not a substitute for interesting.

I like this one


Very funny post: from Shades of Gray

"Good morning," he says.

"What time is it?"

"Almost 11:00"

"Shit. I have plans to meet someone for brunch at noon," I lie. That line flies out of my mouth almost too quickly. It's convincing. I remind myself to call my therapist the moment I make more money.

"Sorry, I gotta run."

"Do I get your number?"

"Sure," I say as I fish my clothes up from his floor. "Got a pen?"

He pulls out a color Blackberry, new, shiny, bells, whistles. It's the Cadillac of hand-held devices.

"They give that to all soldiers?" I joke. "I'm in the wrong business."

"I'm a doctor. Do you have to go so soon?"

"Yes," I say. "Before I find out you're Jewish and single."

Thursday, May 10, 2007

So much to see so much to do


Just left a comment, you know sometimes some things and some people just inspire you, without their knowing or doing anything much really, to explore some of the dreams one put away, like Lucas and being a chef, Dan and languages, now gasquet, blogging and writing. But there's much to do, I got interests and many things I could be good in, that I haven't told you about. I'm really thinking some hardcore shit with my life now.

Going to, going to


Calling Danny in two days. Invented a horrifying scenario in the shower just now, of Danny and me. Cried.

So silly! I try, and I'm much better these days. Being brave, doing my best, discovering life and learning.

Traveling soon! To Roland Garros, to all the places.

Haitian survivors accuse Turks and Caicos officials of leaving them for dead


CAP-HAITIEN, Haiti: Survivors of a capsizing that killed at least 61 Haitian migrants said a Turks and Caicos patrol boat rammed them, towed them into deeper water and abandoned their overturned vessel.

"Our boat flipped over and they just left us out there," said Dona Daniel, 23, one of a half-dozen survivors interviewed by The Associated Press on Thursday after they were repatriated to Haiti from the nearby British territory.

The survivors said some migrants tried desperately to pull themselves aboard the patrol boat but were beaten back with wooden batons.

Others were run over by the patrol boat after they were flung into the shark-filled waters as their boat capsized, said Lovderson Nacon, 19.

Many of the migrants did not know how to swim and were screaming "God help me!" in the darkness, Nacon said.

The Haitians said their sailboat, loaded with an estimated 160 people, was minutes away from the shore of Providenciales, one of the Turks and Caicos Islands, on May 4 when the patrol boat rammed them before dawn.

"When they hit us the first time, water rushed into the boat and everybody screamed," Daniel said. The patrol boat crew ordered the migrants to lower their sails, threw them a line and began towing them into deeper water. The boat then capsized, he said.

"We thought they were bringing us to shore but they took us further out to sea," said Daniel, whose two brothers drowned.

Minutes after towing began, the migrants' boat jerked violently and tipped over, flinging everyone into the water, several survivors said.

"They were towing us but they pulled too hard and the boat flipped over," said another migrant, Marcelin Charles, 37. "We fell into the water and many people drowned. I was swimming past dead bodies left and right."

The Turks and Caicos government has said it will not comment until two investigations are completed. Britain's Foreign Office also declined to comment on the capsizing in its island territory. One probe is being conducted by the local government, and three government experts from Britain are carrying out an independent investigation.

The Turks and Caicos government has criticized Haiti for not doing enough to stem illegal migration. Some 400 Haitians arrive monthly in the British territory of 20,000, many having been duped by migrant smugglers into thinking they were being taken to the United States, officials say.

After being flown back to Cap-Haitien, Haiti's second-largest city, the migrants, wearing maroon T-shirts and athletic pants, were driven on a school bus to a gymnasium where about 100 relatives, many weeping, greeted them.

The relatives called out their loved ones' names, not sure if they had survived the worst disaster to hit Haitian migrants in years. More than a dozen are still missing and presumed dead.

Nacon said he was in the water for more than 15 minutes before a smaller Turks and Caicos patrol boat came out to pull survivors from the water. Other migrants said they were in the water for more than 40 minutes as they waited for the rescue boat to make a return trip.

"They heard us screaming so much, they finally came and helped us," Nacon said. "The people who knew how to swim lived. The people who didn't drowned."

At United Nations headquarters in New York, spokeswoman Michele Montas earlier Thursday described the capsizing as "a tragedy" and said "it could have been avoided." However Montas, a Haitian, said the U.N. had no further comment and that the issue was between the Turks and Caicos Islands and Haiti.

Jeanne Bernard Pierre, director-general of Haiti's National Migration Office, said Tuesday that the Haitian government would consider the ramming of a migrant boat to be a "criminal" act.

Iraq, Tony Blair


New take on the Iraq war: Read Wikipedia articles, beginning with this.

Three experts on Tony Blair

"Measured against the peace-time record of British prime ministers since the end of the First World War, few of whom achieved much, Mr Blair's premiership compares favourably."

"Before 11 September 2001, Tony Blair was set to go down in history as a second-division prime minister, one of those who stayed in power for a long time but without having any appreciable effect on the story of his times."

"The verdict of history on all Prime Ministers as they leave office is hotly disputed, but few in modern British history have been subject to so much departing hostility as Tony Blair."

Rambutans and food


Your hairy red balls, courtesy bally.


Carrot cake

Gasquetaire


Found a cool blog on Richard.

Gasquetaire's tennis universe.

The Swimmer Salute


The cute, blond lifeguard at the pool likes Matt! Looks at Matt, talks to him. I think it's part of the swimmer salute. By the way, Matt is one hell of a crazy guy. Signed up for five triathlons.

I know what to do!


I know what to do!

Deciding against it for now


So I thought a little bit about starting a new blog, and I think I'm going to keep it all together in one place. After all, that's me.

I also decided that I don't like my job after all. I hesitate to say this because it's good to me. I've decided that it is the case that I don't like it. I'm staying because it's not time to leave yet. Also, this is the way I can stay here in this country. I want to stay here because I love Dan. Silly, isn't it? I don't even know if it's good for me to stay here.

I smile because I don't know what's going on


Recently I bought a funny shirt that read "I smile because I don't know what's going on." I thought it was wickedly hilarious when I saw it. It makes me chuckle when I think about it. But it's so true for me.

Sometimes I get lost in group conversations, I end up listening and not talking. Sometimes I don't know what's going on. Maybe I just don't understand what people say here in this country. Is it the culture that's different, the minds, the thought processes, the kinds of things that the people I happen to be around with talk about? Went out for lunch with my colleagues, bunch of engineers. I don't recall most of the conversation, but it went from money-making to New Orleans, frat parties, cats, kids, engineering, technology, American sports, American pastimes, American games, etc. and I found myself withdrawing further and further from the conversation. It happens a lot, I don't connect with the conversation, I just listen, there's nothing it seems for me to say. I probably don't fit in here, in this place. I think I know the reason for all this, what's wrong, what can be done.

I like writing these things out on my blog. It helps me understand what's going on.

I'm also thinking about starting a new blog to put thoughts like these down, so that the mawkish stuff will not be found here.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Beautiful Spring


Got out of the pool early today. The bubble's been taken down, so Hood has an outdoor pool now. I like some of the lifeguards there because they're good-looking and friendly. One of them's a nice guy whose name I probably wouldn't ever know who says HEY and today under the perfect evening sky he waved at me with both his arms as he was working around the pool and we exchanged some cheerful words. On the way back, I swung my Jeep by the tennis courts and watched some guys play for a minute or two and I felt so terribly tempted to play too.

Frederick's a nice town, very nice weather too, so far. Winters can get cold for some days but not too bad really. Warm weather comes pretty early, but early Spring is really erratic. April and May are perfect. I suppose July and August are really muggy, as they say, but I don't mind that if it's only two months in a year. Of course autumn I imagine can only be better than Spring! Of course, winters could be like San Francisco's - I like the rain, and summers could be like Hawaii's.

It's kind of small here though, so for someone like me coming from elsewhere and not knowing anyone, it's tough. So I've plans for the future. I want to move up to live close to Danny. Go back to school. I feel like after this job, which treats my well, I'll bid a fond farewell to the wonderful world of engineering and all its marvels. I think I want to learn more things, different things. I hope when the time comes, Danny will be there and he wouldn't mind that I'm getting too close to him. I don't know, I haven't talked to him in a while, I have no clue as to his thoughts, his plans, if he likes me still, if he's ready to forget that I'm here. I like to remain naive and hopeful a lot, and I still have Vancouver, Canada or Seattle, Washington waiting for me, and home... yes, home! That's where the heart is.

I have a little more than half an hour to watch television every night, when I have my dinner. So I often narrow down what I want to watch to two or three different programs, and sometimes in that thirty minute span, I switch between three channels. Today I was switching between the History Channel, where they were exploring underground ancient Rome, Public Television, where they had an exciting program about Zheng He, and Worldview, where they were showing guys with huge biceps playing fast-paced football Aussie Rules.


It's Mother's Day. Watching the program on the sailor from the land of the dragon, I remember visiting this heavenly paradise palace garden with my mom some years ago. Here's a thought: European palaces beat Chinese ones hands down when it comes to comfort and plushness, but Chinese palaces trump European ones in the beauty of their gardens.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Gasquet and Racquet


Since I found this guy's blog about tennis, I've been reading it often. Today he has a post on the match between Richard and Novak, and also the game between the Rangers and the Sabres. I wanted to leave a comment, but if he clicks on my link, comes here and sees a blog as gay as mine, there's a chance the outcome may not be pleasant. Let me explain what I mean.

A while back, I put up a link on the sidebar to some guy's blog in England about his skateboarding life. I only linked it because I found his posts interesting. Sometime later, he emailed me to ask if I could remove the link because he wasn't into guys. I understood his reasons and removed the link. Now I'm linking my blog to Gasquet and Racquet because I'm into tennis, and I connect with the blog. By rights, commenting about tennis wouldn't be a problem, right? (Sorry I used "right" twice.) I think it probably wouldn't be. But imagine that he comes here and sees all the good-looking men, and goes, "So this guy's a cocksucker." It wouldn't be just about tennis anymore, would it? I mean, most likely it wouldn't turn out to be as extreme as I described it, but there'd be a connection at the back of his mind that I'm gay, and that might just overshadow the tennis.

I think I'm reading and imagining too much, as usual. So it's likely sometime I won't be able to resist the urge and comment. After all, I like tennis and Richard's my favorite player. I'm also headed to Roland Garros in a few weeks. I'm sure he'll be envious. Then again, I've been reading many tennis forums and all this tennis stuff is commonplace.

Hell, I don't even know why this is a deal all of a sudden. I'll probably leave a comment sometime, maybe after Roland Garros, that's it.

It's just me to think, to analyze, to feel things. And lately, all this stuff gets published here because nowadays my life's spent rather by myself, and my mind always thinks things. That's the spiral one gets into when one is by himself. So here I am, typing all this, for no good reason.

I'll probably leave a good comment sometime, that's it.

Allez Richard, one bright sunny Spring Sunday


Allez Richard!


Sunny picture at top of post -- today at noon, bright day, overlooking Ballenger Creek from my apartment.

Went out just now for a spin around the hood, perfect sunshine. Roads were marked off for a run. Merryland state sheriffs got the sexiest uniforms. Runners looked shaggy, troopers sexy candy.

Richard's playing Novak in Estoril in the championship match. Two finest young men in tennis. Novak edged Richard in a tense first set tiebreak, but Richard hit back and pummeled Novak to nothing in the second. Richard, like countless times before, deflated at the start of the final. Score right now at 1300 EDT (1800 Portugal): Novak leads Richard, 7-6 (9-7), 0-6, 3-1. Allez Richard.

Wrote down a bunch of things that I wanted to do last night, but slept in this morning. So wonder of wonders, I'm forsaking swimming today! The Hood's taking down the bubble, so the pool's closed for the day. Germantown Indoor is far away and I journeyed there yesterday. I'm deciding to do all the other things, lots of good stuff.

I'm gonna be calling Danny soon. Hope we'd be able to talk. Do you know my distant dream? I should say it's not really that far away. Thought about writing it down here just now, but once again, I stop myself because it's not fun. I know it here in my heart.

I'm trying to take things slowly. Two weeks, on May 18, I'm flying off to Europe! Meeting up with a good friend to have the time of our lives.

There's some things I wanted to say, my thoughts, but I'll leave them. I think it's getting harder to write them as the days go by. Don't know if I ever will write them down, you know. I keep thinking about them and when I do, I feel like I want to write them down so I can put them away. But when I sit down here, I find I don't really want to. So I'll leave them. Maybe they'll come out when they want to. They're probably all here anyway, somewhere on men behaving badly.

The beautiful day is beckoning me away. So I'll really leave them, now.

Btw, Richard lost the match. It's 7-6, 0-6, 6-1 to Novak. Score's similar to the last meeting they had, which Novak won 7-6, 1-6, 6-1, if I rightly recall. Richard implodes on himself. It's disappointing because his tennis captivates like a magical fire dance. I've seen Novak play, and you have to like the guy, he'll surely be number one but for R Fed and R Nad.

Going out for a short while soon, to take my Jeep for a wash, and to rub off some light. Then I got travel plans to make, emails to pen, goals to write down, reading to do... heading out to enjoy my Sunday!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Only in India

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

From the BBC


Climate change lessons in Indonesia
By Lucy Williamson
BBC News, Jakarta

Every morning, at first light, Java's rice fields come alive. One by one, farmers appear among the bright green plants, their wide-brimmed hats dotted across the fields.

This is the way Indonesia's rice has been farmed for generations; the basic rhythms of its paddies undisturbed by war or economic crisis.

But now, something strange is happening.

Parto is one of the first in the rice fields every morning. Carrying a can of pesticide, he swings the spray backwards and forwards over the crop.

"The harvests have become irregular," he said. "Normally we harvest two to three times a year, but it depends on the weather. We need to wait for the right conditions, but now that's become unpredictable."

Many small-scale farmers still plant and harvest their crops according to the stars, or the first few drops of rain.

But this year's heavy rains washed away many crops and caused major flooding.

Scientists cannot agree how much of this is down to climate change.

But then that debate means nothing to many of those affected - they do not even know what climate change is.

"We weren't told about climate change," one man told me, "and the only news we received from local officials is that a flood like this will happen every five years. I don't understand climate change, but I do know that a big flood will come every five years."

"Climate change is caused by global warming," said his neighbour, "and the thinning of the ozone layer. I think that caused the shift of weather patterns on earth."

A local woman joined in: "People here don't talk about climate change. I have read it somewhere in a book or in a newspaper, but I don't really know what it means."

With 17,000 islands and a biodiversity second only to Brazil, Indonesia stands to lose a great deal from rising sea levels and changing climate.

So why don't more people here understand it?

Educational opportunity

At a popular seaside resort outside the capital, Agus Purnomo, senior adviser to the Indonesian environment minister, looks out across the Java sea and the unseen changes happening in the vast waters that surround his country.

He told me the government here has some catching up to do.

"The climate change issue is more perceived as an international issue rather than a domestic issue," he explained.

"We need to start with the decision makers, the planners and also those who can approve the budgets - including the parliament - because we need to address this awareness campaign big time. And that will require substantial allocations of the national budget."

It is already clear that the effects of climate change in Indonesia could be devastating.

Many communities in Jakarta were hit by the floods earlier this year.

Even now, walking around the areas that were affected, many houses have been completely destroyed or still carry high water marks on the upper floors.

But some environmentalists, like Kuki Soejachmoen, head of the think-tank Pelangi, see disasters like this as a strange kind of opportunity - to educate people about climate change.

"Since this happened, people have started to realise that this is not only the product of the local environmental impact, but it's something that's happening over the long term," she told me.

And that is quite a change for Indonesia's poor majority.

"Most of the people here - and in other developing countries I should say - are forced to live on a day-to-day basis so [have] a very short term perspective," she said.

Floods might engage the victims of climate change, but what about those who cause it?

Indonesia straddles both ends of the global warming debate.

Forest fires have made it one of the world's worst polluters. Many fires are started by poor, remote communities, either as a way of clearing their own land for planting or on behalf of big companies.

In order to stop these blazes, communities will have to be convinced to think beyond their daily lives.

Changing Indonesia's attitudes and behaviour might start with the politicians, but they cannot do much without the co-operation of the country's vast population.


Gladiators' graveyard discovered
By Monika Kupper and Huw Jones
BBC Timewatch

Scientists believe they have for the first time identified an ancient graveyard for gladiators.
Analysis of their bones and injuries has given new insight into how they lived, fought and died.

The remains were found at Ephesus in Turkey, a major city of the Roman world, BBC Timewatch reports.

Gladiators were the sporting heroes of the ancient world. Archaeological records show them celebrated in everything from mosaics to graffiti.

Motifs of gladiators are found on nearly a third of all oil lamps from Roman archaeological digs throughout the Empire.

But how much did they risk every time they stepped into the arena? Did they have much chance of getting out alive?

The discovery of what is claimed to be the first scientifically authenticated gladiator graveyard has given researchers the opportunity to find out.

'Strict rules'

The Ephesus graves containing thousands of bones were found along with three gravestones, clearly depicting gladiators.

Two pathologists at the Medical University of Vienna - Professor Karl Grossschmidt and Professor Fabian Kanz - have spent much of the past five years painstakingly cataloguing and forensically analysing every single bone for age, injury and cause of death.

They found at least 67 individuals, nearly all aged 20 to 30. One striking bit of evidence is that many have healed wounds.

To Kanz and Grossschmidt, this suggests they were prized individuals getting good and expensive medical treatment. One body even shows signs of a surgical amputation.

And the lack of multiple wounds found on the bones, according to the pathologists, suggests that they had not been involved in chaotic mass brawls. Instead, it points to organised duels under strict rules of combat, probably with referees monitoring the bouts.

But there was also evidence of mortal wounds. Written records tell us that if the defeated gladiator had not shown enough skill or even cowardice, the cry of "iugula" (lance him through) would be heard throughout the arena, demanding he be killed.

Final blow

The condemned gladiator would be expected to die "like a man" remaining motionless to receive the mortal blow.

The pathologists discovered various unhealed wounds on bones that showed how these executions could have taken place. And these are consistent with depictions on reliefs from the time showing a kneeling man having a sword rammed through down his throat into the heart. A very quick way to die.

Tell-tale nicks in the vertebrae or other bones suggest at least some of the bodies suffered this fate.

A number of skulls were also found to have sets of up to three holes at odd intervals, consistent with a blow from a three-pronged weapon such as a trident.

"The bone injuries - those on the skulls for example - are not everyday ones, they are very, very unusual, and particularly the injuries inflicted by a trident, are a particular indication that a typical gladiator's weapon was used," says pathologist Professor Karl Grossschmidt.

But not all head injuries found were trident wounds. A number of the skulls showed rectangular holes that could not have been made by any of the known gladiator weapons. Instead, they suggest the use of a heavy hammer.

"One possible explanation, which is supported by a number of archaeologists, is that there must have been an assistant in the arena who basically gave the gladiator the coup de grace," says Professor Kanz.

"I assume that they must have been very severely injured gladiators, ones who had fought outstandingly and so had not been condemned to death by the public or by the organiser of the match, but who had no chance of surviving because of their injuries. It was basically the final blow, in order to release them."

'Comfortable' retirement

The work of the Viennese pathologists has been independently reviewed for the BBC's Timewatch programme by Dr Charlotte Roberts of Durham University, a leading physical anthropologist.

"I've looked at quite a few hundred Roman skeletons. I've seen examples of head injuries, healed and unhealed. I've seen evidence of decapitations," she says.

"But this (new find) is extremely significant; there's nothing been found in the world at all like it. They've really dispelled quite a lot of myths about gladiators and how they fought."

If a gladiator survived three years of fighting in the arena, he would win his freedom. Those who did often became teachers in the gladiator school; and one of the skeletons found at Ephesus appears to be that of a retired fighter.

He was of mature age and the scientists were able to reconstruct nearly his entire body. His head showed apparent signs of healed wounds from previous fights but, clearly, none of them would have proved fatal.

"He lived quite a normal Roman lifespan," says Professor Kanz. "And I think, most probably, he died of natural causes."

Historical records suggest a gladiator's chance of survival was slim, with some estimates as low as a one in three chance of dying each time he fought. But it appears one of the Ephesus gladiators at least survived the odds and had a chance to enjoy his retirement from the arena.


Foster's hops on green bandwagon

Australian brewer Foster's has teamed up with scientists to create the world's first "beer battery".

The technology - using bacteria which consume sugar to generate power from brewery waste water - was unveiled at the University of Queensland.

The university was awarded a state grant of 140,000 Australian dollars ($115,000; £58,000) to help fund the microbial fuel cell project.

The battery will be installed at Foster's brewery near Brisbane.

As bacteria consume water-soluble waste from the plant such as starch, alcohol and sugar, the battery will produce clean water and electricity.

"Brewery waste water is a particularly good source because it is very biodegradable... and is highly concentrated, which does help in improving the performance of the cell," said the university's waste water expert, Professor Jorg Keller.

According to estimates, the brewery battery should produce two kilowatts of power - enough to power a household.

"It's not going to make an enormous amount of power - it's primarily a waste water treatment that has the added benefit of creating electricity," Prof Keller added.

A patent is pending for the technology, which could be used across a number of food, beverage and manufacturing industries.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Something about...


Spotted some kids playing basketball under the darkening sky this Spring evening at the Maryland School for the Deaf.

Found a nice tennis blog called Gasquet and Racquet, named after my favorite tennis guy.

Watched a documentary tonight on the History Channel on feats of ancient engineering. Roman siphons, Greek mirrors, ancient bathhouses. Last night, too, there was another on the Berlin underground flak tower.

I love learning! Tom-in-paris is a log-cabin Republican (teehee), dictionary, thesaurus, encyclopaedia, I love you.

Hopefully I can wake up early to swim tomorrow morning.

I miss you, Danny. I miss you!

P.S. Was reading Gasquet and Racquet just now, I like it! I think the guy plays tennis well and writes for Utica's paper. (Now that is something I'd like to do!) Found another cool site: www.myspace.com/r_gasquet.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Amsterdam in May, Roland Garros in June

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Plans


Plans for the next few posts:

Tomorrow night: My travel plans

Tuesday night: Something about Danny and me

Amazing Race


The teams have been to so many cool places. They were at Guam tonight! I'd like to go.

Caribou and Wolves: The Endless Dance


Across the top of North America, millions of caribou are led on their never-ending journey by the mothers of the herd. Driven by the demands of motherhood, they travel 3000 miles on a trek from their winter range at the edge of the northern forests to calving grounds and back again.

The senior female members are the leaders of the matriarchic society that are the caribou. As winter sets in in the Northern tundra, the female caribou with their antlers, eight weeks pregnant, guide the herd to begin the annual pilgrimage. The males, without antlers at this time of year, follow the lead of the females. Throughout this journey, their constant companions the wolf packs trail them ceaselessly.

The caribou keep themselves to open ground for visibility of their predators. The wolves are not far behind. The largest females sometimes surround the wolves by running around them in circles. They prance and trot around the wolves, their gait like an ancient dance, as if to show off their strength and speed.

More Comments

Sue said:

Either Jon or Steven Colbert had an expert on that wrote a book about Islamic factions (Shite & Sunni) in Iraq and compared them to earthquake faults. There is an enormous fault line running right through the middle of the country and Saddam was able to keep control of it with force, and things have fallen apart since we introduced democracy. If we leave, the 'big one' will hit and the nation will be destroyed. Did you hear that interview? I found it very enlightening. So, I don't think it will make a difference if we go or not. These people have to make it on their own.

My reply:

Unfortunately I didn't.

A friend of mine who's a Shiite Muslim told me that it's taught somewhere that the biggest enemies of their religion are not the Christians/Jews/hedonists but the Sunnis and likewise the Shiites are for the Sunnis.

But he (like most other Muslims who are peace-loving) doesn't think that means Shiites and Sunnis should kill each other like they're doing in Iraq now.

In my humble opinion, I think what's happening now is a shift in power from the Sunnis to the Shiites, which is igniting old enmities and grievances among those who lost power and those with scores to settle. Most of the common folks in Iraq would love peace.

You're right in that, unfortunately, it is the minority that is prone to resorting to violence who have the guns and the bombs, and they are causing turmoil and inciting hatred. And it does seem more than likely now that they are winning the day.

I think I might be naive but I'm still hoping for something that America can do, since we went in and messed things up, despite the original good intentions. (Arguably, the American public believed that we went to war to spread democracy and rid the country of a despot. But it is sad that the majority of soldiers and ordinary Americans believed this, even though it may very well have been just a sweet-sounding ideal, far from reality, that we were led or misled to believe.) Notwithstanding, even though the outlook in Iraq (that is portrayed to us by the media) seems more and more dire, I think to up and leave now may be premature. On the other hand, it may ultimately be, as you say, Sue, that whether we're there or not would make no difference.

However, I don't really know, and I don't think many people know either. Even experts hold different opinions, depending on their leanings, I dare say. All I can say, for sure, is that this should be a lesson learnt, don't go to war for unjustified reasons, and when it was clear (to me it was very clear in 2003, at least) that such a war would cause more extremist hatred.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Comments on my previous post

Chris said...

if bush duped us then kerry, clinton, schumer, and all those democrat idiots did too since they had in their possession the exact same confidential CIA report. When clinton and kerry were asked about receiving the cia documents, they did not deny having the same docs as bush and his administration. when asked if they read it - both their answers were -- 'well i read bits and pieces of it'... so i wish people like you would get your facts straight before just blaming a man just because you hate the poor guy and it's what everyone else is doing. he made a bad mistake just like the rest of them but it's VERY hard to just up and leave. it may look like there's chaos in Iraq now but if we DO just up and leave, it'll worsen and not just for Iraq but also for America. .. and i speak from experience - i was an air force pilot & commander in Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq from the very beginning. Yes, Even I disagree with Bush once in a while but please cut the guy just a little break. I can't even imagine how he sleeps at night with all the stress, the threats, and knowing how bad Iraq looks in the public's eye. If Kerry was in office, I still wouldn't wish him harm like you and the liberals wish on Bush.

My reply:

Chris, I don't know if you're ever gonna be reading this, but I never wished him harm. I never did say anything about upping and leaving either. And I never said anything about the democrats at all. If there is any chance you'd read what I wrote again, I hope you'd understand that I'm angry for the fact that a senseless unjustified war was fought. Please don't read this in a hurtful way. And I'm terribly, terribly angry. And who knows what happened in the depths of political offices? If there wasn't deliberate cover-up, then I'm really very disappointed at how some people ever thought a war like this one would solve anything. If there was something deliberate, then that's something that shouldn't be forgotten.

You assume that I have Democrat leanings, and I am a so-called "liberal", but I only support what I believe in, neither do I understand the word "liberal". I believe in liberty, protection of the environment, social equality and fraternity (that includes basic rights for all people and yes, gay people), love and peace. I believe that America would be a better place if there were no guns altogether. But does that make me a fucking Democrat or a "liberal"? I hope we would all stop giving each other labels. I believe in what I believe in, not in some shit political classification.

I wrote: "Fuck you, your misguided policies, your fucked-up war on terror". I'm not ashamed to say that I believe the policies are misguided and the "war on terror", in regards to what is happening after Iraq, is also being waged disastrously. I am still angry because I believe the policy of going to war in Iraq has spawned more terrorists than it destroyed. So I am profoundly angry. "You" refers to not Bush, but everyone who is responsible, the "ones who are responsible for all those lies".

I did not say we should up and leave, but that we shouldn't have gone in in the first place. I have every due respect for the people who are sacrificing themselves, and I support every good soldier. I don't envy Bush's position and, needless to say, I can't pass judgement on his personal character. I am just livid at the numbers of lives lost and the possible repercussions because of the mistakes of this administration, the original undertaking deliberately engineered or otherwise. And this anger is compounded by all the other policies I am against.

And believe it or not, I also think just packing our bags is not the right solution. But I don't know what's worse. Sure we have a responsibility to do our best to right the situation, but are we creating a whole lot more terrorists in the long run? I don't know the solution, do you hear me Chris -- which is why I am so pissed! Because this mistake is so costly. And I am so angry because it seems to me that there was selective misinterpretation of data. I understand you are sympathetic to their predicament, and perhaps rightly so, but we will never know if there was any deliberate misinterpretation. And all those lives lost...

I know it might have been hurtful my tone, and I know people like you have courageously offered your lives for the country, and I don't ever mean to diminish what has been fought for. Yes, Iraq is free of a cruel dictatorship, there is chance of better lives for the Iraqis. But I just am fucking pissed whenever I think that it's not ever so simple. How I wish that it will be a happy ending. But reality still hangs in the balance. Chaos, more bloodshed, hate. Of course it's easy to say now that we all could have seen this.

I don't like to discuss politics and all, and do you see why, Chris? Because there are perfectly sound, sensible and I dare say, good, people like you who happen to see things from another perspective, and it's tough to see through all the negativity. It's tough for me definitely but I try and I don't think I succeed. Neither do I think anyone really does. The only thing I regret about my previous post is my tone -- perhaps I have been too vindictive, and if so, I apologize. And if it had been hurtful to the guys who sacrificed themselves, I am sorry but I don't mean it in that way. Love and peace is what I stand for, but if that has to be fought for in this way, like so many other things, and I'm but a goddamn fucker, then it will suck for me. I don't suppose you would've read this far, or even revisited my blog, but if you did, I hope you see beyond my anger, and try to understand why I'm feeling this, like I tried to understand your viewpoint. Yes, I think I do somewhat understand, but I am still very angry, and I know anger is harmful and I will try to let it go away. Oh yeah, I welcome any more comments, because you sound like a decent thinking guy...

Sincerely.


Note on April 27, 2007

I made an editorial change to my writing, because I felt I used the wrong word in the heat of the moment. Tonight I saw clips of John McCain's appearance with Jon Stewart. I felt a little sickened. John McCain seems like a good guy, you know. Political haranguing unsettles me, comedy became the presenter's political platform. Everything becomes completely polarized, when it needn't have been.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Bill Moyers' Journal : "Buying the War"

Documentary on how the Bush regime duped America into the Iraq war, and how the American press gave obscenely biased coverage in favor of those who trumpeted war. Phil Donahue is my new hero for the day!

My heart is filled with rage for all the goddamn politicians on Capitol Hill who lied through their teeth. The day I read that there were no WMD's in Iraq, that there were no links between Al Qaeda and Saddam, was the day I realized that the ones responsible for all those lies are the villains who sent patriotic American soldiers to an immoral war, who are responsible for all the deaths that are happening to soldiers and ordinary civilians in Iraq, and who may ultimately be responsible for perpetuating the cycle of hate. Fuck you, your misguided policies, your fucked-up "war on terror".

All of you narrow-minded, dogmatic scum, that's you, O'Reilly, Coulter, and all of you who I care not to name, you deserve shit.

America, read the BBC, CBC, etc. for balanced, sensible, perceptive information.

From Kai -- In support of liberty, equality and fraternity.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Frontline -- Hot Politics


Watched a documentary on WETA on global warming and american politics. Fascinating!

Lazboy will wake up early tomorrow to swim in the morning.

Monday, April 23, 2007

I watch Will and Grace not because they're gay


But they're so funny tonight!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

That's all for the night, fellas

Past the 45. Haven't written about Gasquet, my wonderful trip next month, Danny, my thoughts.

I lie here dreaming.

Signing off for the night with a boy.

Something about danny and something about myself (III)


I'm thinking of a whole lot of things, but before I go into that, can you guess on which two islands did I grow up? I used to ride the funicular railway up a beautiful hill for the spectacular panorama.


I played on the beaches of the island.


I loved climbing the steps of this temple and tossing veges for the tortoises in the huge rocky pit.



At the age of five, I moved to this island of gleaming skyscrapers. I went to the school with the brightest students and studied hard. Almost everyone else studied harder. I didn't study very hard like the others because school textbooks bored me! I preferred lugging a huge Atlas or encyclopaedia volumes into the toilet to read. Sometimes I spent an hour sitting there reading. Talk about strange habits. That was when I discovered I could probably study anything I wanted and be reasonably good. But I remember my favorite subject in high school (and college, and grad school) were Japanese for a long time, then French when I did that, and finally German
(but I think I like Japanese and French better).

I was an honest, frank, and cheerful boy.

I was twenty when I crossed the ocean to come to America. I toyed with studying law at the university back home, because I wanted to fight for justice, fairness and equality, but I wanted to come here and explore the world! So I came. Oh, before that, I did a two-year stint in the army, because I had to. Boy, was that an experience (a pretty horridly exciting one)!

But anyway I was out of there.

Sunday 2145


Let's see how much I can write within the next 45 minutes.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Wild Kingdom


On Animal Planet's Wild Kingdom tonight, a leopard seal caught a penguin and offered it to the undersea photographer! To her bewilderment, the man didn't take it, so she let the penguin go. Seal and man looked at each other, wondering what was going on in each other's complex minds, before seal swam away into the depths.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Male Corps


SPC. RICHARD MAWER
U.S. ARMY

STATUS: RESERVE
LOCATION: ILLINOIS

STATS: 29/6'1"/185/BLUE EYES/BROWN HAIR/SMOOTH HARD BODY/GREAT ASS

LOOKING FOR: REGULAR GUYS - NOT GYM BUNNIES OR BARFLIES

INTO: GUYS, VERSATILE

E-MAIL: Richard@MALECORPS.COM


LT. SCOTT TEMPLETON
SEAL TEAM 7, PLATOON ALPHA
TACTICAL ASSAULT

STATUS: ACTIVE DUTY
LOCATION: CLASSIFIED

STATS: 28/5'8"/165/BROWN EYES/BROWN HAIR/LEAN MUSCULAR/DEFINED/7 INCHES CUT

LOOKING FOR: SEX WITH STRANGERS... PEOPLE WATCHING EACH OTHER MASTURBATE BEFORE FUCKING...

INTO: HOCKEY, BASEBALL, LIFTING WEIGHTS, STAYING FIT... TRAVEL THE WORLD AND ENJOY EROTIC EXPERIENCES IN NEW AND INTERESTING PLACES.

E-MAIL: ScottTempleton@MALECORPS.COM


PO3. CASEY O'CONNORS
U.S. NAVY (SEAL)
NAVAL SPECIAL WARFARE UNIT 43

STATUS: ACTIVE DUTY
LOCATION: DEPLOYED IN IRAQ

STATS: 22/5'11"/170/AUBURN/BROWN EYES/VERY DEFINED WITH 6 PACK/8 INCHES

LOOKING FOR: WOMEN WITH GREAT BODIES

INTO: VALE-TUDO, FREESTYLE WRESTLING, LIFTING WEIGHTS, CLUBS AND RUNAWAY MODELING

Monday, April 09, 2007

Laying on the bed thinking of things


Thinking of many things, yea.

There's so many things, but alas, only twenty-four hours.

Please read this about a tragic death.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Something about danny and something about myself (II)


I was born on a faraway island with golden sandy beaches and steep craggy mountains, but grew up on another speck in the sea, less spectacular in natural beauty, but of a greater human vibrance. From a childhood of bathroom-reading and ingenuous wonderings, I wound up in high school with some guys with whom I share the fondest memories. After some bumps and bruises, I found myself in liberal America and figuring out the world together with a bunch I call my Berkeley buddies. Then I made my way across the cornfields to a little college town where I fell in love with swimming. Plunging myself headlong into life, I finally left school and got my first real job, and this is where I find myself today. I miss my friends and family and am thinking of many things.

Sleepy


Photo from Sue's blog - thanks. (Turns me on...)

Too sleepy to write, again. But wanted to write.

Today, good day!

Good night!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Fucking Shit

I fucking hate talking with my mom. I know this sounds really bad, but every time I look forward to getting her call, or calling her to chat, and it turns out to be fucking shitty every time. I never will be able to express my thoughts completely without having to listen to some advice. I try to tell her, for example, that I roasted two chickens, well I'm about to say how I roasted them and how good they turned out, and of course the only things that ever are discussed end up being "make sure you don't leave it for too long" and "too much fat if you cook it this way". You don't know how much better I am watching my diet than most! Well, you fucking do! But you just have to be so fucking naggy! And then we end up talking about those practical things, and suggestions I make fizzle as they are brought under scrutiny. You're so burdensome! And I so fucking hate it now, because I care, and I want better, and we end up talking stupid shit every time!

I so fucking hate it! Fucking hell. Fucking shit.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Something about danny and something about myself (I)


Cherry blossoms at the Tidal Basin, March 31, 2007

All kinds of things are said about it, but I say that one loses himself. Over several forthcoming posts, however long it takes to complete, I wish to write a few things about Danny and about myself here. I keep coming back to this, part of me wants to but part of me doesn't, and part of me is beginning to sense that I ought to be finished and done with it soon. One never knows, though.

Tonight is just the short preamble. As usual I run out of time to write. I have had the time to put two pictures up, that's it. Pittsburgh, I wanted to show you the picture, if you recall. But I haven't figured how to take a good picture at low light levels with my camera. So I've put up a photo of the inner harbor in Baltimore instead.


Baltimore inner harbor, a sunny day in early March, 2007

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Quiet in between Lights and Dreams


I can feel it. Dan and Jon. Soon, together, they would be. They're there, living their lives together, I know, I knew it too.

Last night, I was in Pittsburgh. In my jeans, a tee, boots, sitting on the bench on Mount Washington. A cool Spring shower passing overhead, the lights of the beautiful city dancing in front of me, down the cliff and across the river. I swallowed my dinner, feeling the cool rain touch me. I didn't cry! I was happy, even though I was with myself and nobody else, and people, a few of them, walked by in front of me on the sidewalk overlooking the cliff, they glanced, wondering. I was happy! The lights were dancing.

I know it, they enjoyed themselves too last night, or so I imagine, because I will never know for sure. Enjoying their lives together, despite the falseness of separation, uncertainty.

Despite all this, I know what I'm going to do! The silent voices give me the words to go on, and I see tomorrow, tonight, love, peace.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

You wouldn't get on a plane


Dying Amazon, Franz von Stuck

Amazon 'faces more deadly droughts'

By James Painter
Latin America analyst

Two years ago the world was shocked by pictures of hundreds of rotting fish floating in the world's second largest river.

Stranded villagers stared in bewilderment at dried out banks, and helicopters delivered food and water to isolated river communities.

They were the images of the widespread drought in 2005 in the Amazon - an area of lush rainforest in most people's imagination. It was the worst in some areas since records began, and prompted the Brazilian government to declare a state of emergency.

Nearly two years on, the world may have forgotten the drought, but the scientific community has not. Meeting at Oxford University this week, many of the world's leading experts on climate change and Amazonia have been grappling with issues critical to the future climate of the world.

Did global warming cause the drought? How likely is it that such droughts will be repeated in a warming world? And just how much devastation did the drought cause?

There was broad consensus that the 2005 drought was linked not to El Nino - the periodic phenomenon which begins with a warming of waters in the Pacific - as with most previous droughts in the Amazon, but to warming sea surface temperatures in the tropical North Atlantic.

Peter Cox, professor in climate change dynamics at the University of Essex in the UK, thinks the same factors which caused the drought are likely to be repeated.

What drives it, he says, is the warming of the North Atlantic Ocean in the Tropics relative to the South - this causes less rain to fall.

'Forest dieback'

So how often could such droughts happen?

The Hadley Centre climate change model predicts that, under current levels of greenhouse gas emissions, the chances of such a drought would rise from 5% now (one every 20 years) to 50% by 2030, and to 90% by 2100.

"We can't say for sure that any individual drought such as the one in 2005 is caused by global warming," says Mr Cox.

"But we can say the probability of such an event will increase as a result of human-induced climate change and could be very common indeed by the end of the century."

The Hadley Centre model is one of several global climate models (GCMs) attempting to predict weather changes in the Amazon.

It is best known for warning of catastrophic losses of forest in the Amazon over a period of decades known as "forest dieback".

Other models show very different patterns of rainfall over the Amazon, but experts at the conference regard the Hadley model as one of the more robust.

"The Hadley Centre model does a credible job," says Carlos Nobre, the Brazilian chair of the International Geosphere-Biosphere programme.

"What all the GCMs predict is much greater variability in the weather, and the Hadley model captures that well."

Human factor?

There is less uncertainty about the impact and the unusual nature of the 2005 drought.

"It was very atypical in its location and intensity," says Mr Nobre.

"Most Amazonian droughts occur in the north-eastern Amazon, but this one started in the west and south-west, and its impact spread as far as the centre and east."

Downstream in the city of Manaus, the Amazon's level dropped three metres lower than average.

Many communities dependent on the river for transport were left stranded as tributaries dried out. For the first time, a very large spread of forest fires was recorded in the south-west region.

New research by Luiz Aragao at Oxford University's Environmental Change Institute shows the extent of the fires.

"An area of 2,800 sq km (1081 sq miles) was lost due to an extensive leakage of fires into newly-flammable forest," he says.

That is an area more than 1.5 times the size of Greater London.

Mr Aragao's research shows the fires occurred mainly where there was human activity which could ignite them.

In other areas affected by the drought where there are few humans, such as south-eastern Peru, there was little evidence of any fires.

High impact

The more alarming predictions for the Amazon say the combination of forest fires, drought, deforestation, changes in land use (such as soya production) and global warming will combine to push the Amazon over a "tipping point" into a cycle of destruction.

Scientists at the conference were keen to stress they do not know the risk of this occurring, but talked instead of "corridors of probability".

There is disagreement over these corridors.

"The Hadley Centre model predicts it is very likely indeed that the Amazon will be severely impacted by climate change over the next few decades," says Professor Cox.

"But if you take all the models, then maybe a 10 to 40% probability is more defensible."

But however low the probability, changes to the Amazon are likely to be a "high impact" event on the world's climate.

As one conference speaker pointed out: "You wouldn't get on a plane if you knew there was a 10% chance of it crashing."

Friday, March 23, 2007

Some thoughts on an early Spring night in March


I wrote a whole bunch here just now, but some blogger error erased everything. Fucking hell. I am so fucking pissed. I wanted to say thanks everyone, especially Sue, for reading and commenting on my blog. And I had all those other things that I wrote about. I'm thinking Dan and Jon are getting back together -- at least I imagine that they are. Jon mentioned somewhere he's quitting smoking, and I imagine Dan to be too (It's always what I wished for, and I told Dan that.) It's almost like they'll get back together soon. They're good friends and all. It'd be false for me to say I want that to happen, but I'd be happy for Dan. God! I so fucking still love him so much, although the words here don't make it sound like I do. This is so not what I wrote just now, I'm just fucking pissed and sleepy now.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The boy that is me


Today I sent an email to Dan. I wrote it with all my heart. As best as I could, I gave him my few words of encouragement. I felt like I was softly floating on a fluffy cloud for a few moments after that.

I told my co-worker Kim that I've decided on adopting a golden retriever from the shelter after all. She loves dogs too, so I told her she could be my dog's godmother in the future. Tomorrow we're thinking of hitting the bar for a Friday evening drink or two. Looking forward to that!

Went swimming twice today. I know, I'm going a little over the top with the swimming. Tonight, Matt showed me the thumb drag drill. Katie, the chatty lifeguard, helped me too. I had a fun time. At one point, though, my fears and insecurities took over me momentarily and I burst into silly laughter. I got the funny look from Matt. It's me the silly, insecure boy who ends up behaving oddly because he's trying too hard to be cool, funny.

So I tell myself and everyone here, those goals I set for myself earlier don't mean a thing if I don't face up to the rocks that are really pulling me down, and those rocks are my fears and insecurities. And what are they? I fear loneliness, and I'm totally insecure about the way I look. I fear losing the things in my life, so I don't relax and chill, and I'm self-conscious about my own behavior. Funny those happens most acutely in the company of good-looking men. Tonight I own up here, and from tonight I shall not let those fears and insecurities overtake me again.

Also, I want to own up to two incidents that I have been hiding. The first happened when I was in Berkeley. I was still a closeted guy back then. I followed a really good-looking dude around (yeah, stalked him) and took pictures of him just to look at them afterwards. But very soon I was caught and confronted on the streets. It's long ago, but I remember him demanding, "Are you fucking gay?" To which I replied, "Are you homophobic?" Thanks to the times that we live in and to all the good gay guys who sacrificed themselves before my time, I saw a look of embarrassment on his face. The naive boy in me kept wanting to explain that I meant no harm at all, I was but a poor little obsessed fool who couldn't find an outlet for his gay love.

The second incident happened some time ago, just before I finally came out. Again it was a question of misplaced admiration. Long story short, I said to this really hot dude that I really wanted to suck his cock right now. Of course he got totally livid. At the time, I only saw that I was just being honest, and I wanted to know really badly why straight men should get upset. After all, I didn't mean it in any bad way at all.

So starting from tonight, from now on, I shall hold my head high and slowly untie the bind to those fears and insecurities. When you see my picture up on this page, you'd know I've finally made it.

As you know, I'm really into swimming, so I'm going to be working on those drills and more, and really learn as much as I can. Also, today I got a reply to a note I sent to someone so I'm delighted. Watch me, I feel like I'm finally starting to break away from the bad things plaguing me. Watch me, I shall swim on! I'm free, free from those horrid things!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Thinking of



Today was a good day at work. Today was a decent day at the pool.

Articles from the BBC

Viewpoints: Abe sex slave row

Japan's Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has said there is no evidence that women were forced to become sex slaves, or so-called comfort women, by the Japanese army during World War II.

The BBC News website spoke to people across East Asia about Mr Abe's remarks and their impact on Japan's relations with its neighbours.

GINA LEE, 22, STUDENT, SEOUL

Abe's remarks are inevitably going to have a huge impact on Japan's relations with its neighbours.

The memories of the bitter colonisation are still fresh in Korean people's minds. There are still people, including my grandparents, who lived through it.

Hearing stories about that period has had a huge impact on young people's views on Japan. Although many young Koreans have an interest in Japanese culture and language, it is impossible to forget what happened only two, three generations ago.

I visited the House of Sharing - a government-sponsored establishment for former comfort women and I translated the testimony of one of the women living there. I have been unable to forget this experience.

She told us how she was sold by her step-father, how brutally she was beaten and raped by soldiers and how she was later rejected by society, including her own family.

She then answered a question from a Japanese student who asked what the young Japanese generation could do to put her mind at peace.

Her answer was: 'A formal apology and compensation from the Japanese government.'

This is what former comfort women demonstrate for every Wednesday in front of the Japanese embassy in Seoul.

Japan's failure to acknowledge its war crimes is a huge hurdle in establishing good relations with its neighbours.

I had high hopes for Abe when he took office. I was hoping that he can undo the damage done by Koizumi's frequent visits to the Yasukuni Shrine.

Now I firmly believe that he is worse than Koizumi. It is hypocritical of him to claim he wants to improve Japan's ties with its neighbours and then blatantly deny what happened less than a century ago.

YANG ZHOU, 22, CHINESE STUDENT IN SINGAPORE

Mr Abe's remarks on comfort women will have been received with varying degree of outrage in China.

You will almost certainly get uniform responses saying that the Japanese government's constant denial of their country's historical crimes, like the using of comfort women and the Nanjing massacre, is disgusting.

To most Chinese these are unquestionable facts: they were taught at school and were reinforced through media over and over again.

The majority of China's repressed teenagers, who are desperately trying to find a target for their anger and frustration, would not miss this chance. You can well expect a storm of verbal assaults on Abe from teenagers and students on major Chinese online forums.

They cannot openly attack the Communist regime because that would only get them into trouble.

Therefore, the aggressive diplomatic stance taken by Japan, which most young Chinese regard as an economically developed, yet annoying neighbour, would be seen as a socially and politically acceptable target for their anger.

On the other hand, the working population will have little time to worry about what Mr Abe has got to say because they have enough problems of their own.

It must have been very clear to Mr Abe that the issue of comfort women is an extremely sensitive one in neighbouring countries who were once victims of Japan's militaristic ambitions.

He must have made his own political calculations before making that remark. He wanted to send a clear message that the new government's foreign policy is in line with that of the previous one.

What he achieved though was to put Japan in a disadvantageous diplomatic position. By continuously denying and downplaying historical crimes, Japan will become a common enemy without a friend in this region.

NANCY WANG, 30, IT WORKER, TAIWAN

For a Japanese prime minister to openly and seriously suggest that women were not coerced to become sex slaves is incredibly stupid.

I don't think any of Shinzo Abe's predecessors have put it quite this way.

I think that he is no different from Junichiro Koizumi or any other Japanese conservative politician.

People in Taiwan have mixed feelings for Japan. At the beginning of the 20th century Taiwan was part of the Japanese empire.

The Japanese did lots of industrial construction, while at the same time they treated Taiwanese people as second-class human beings.

But when the Kuomintang (KMT) came along, the order established by the Japanese fell apart. The KMTs chaotic ways were in a stark contrast to how the Japanese ruled during the colonial days.

I think this is one important reason why so many elderly people have good memories of Japan. And Japan's domination of our island wasn't as bloody as in other parts of the Japanese empire.

As for the atrocities the Japanese committed during World War II, I feel that the government's attitude moves more and more towards denial.

They think that they are a glorious race. So it would be very embarrassing for them acknowledge the truth and tell their young generation about their past deeds.

They probably think that time will erase the humiliation and memories of what they've done.

I think China will give Japan a hard time over this. Japanese who have businesses in China may well find themselves on the receiving end.

The more powerful China and Korea become, the more justice they will demand from the Japanese government. This is the epitome of international political reality.

BEN MUNDIN, 54, BUSINESSMAN, PHILIPPINES

Japan's refusal to acknowledge war-time crimes is predictable. According to their version of history, Japan never committed atrocities during the war.

What is emphasised in their history books are the heroics of their soldiers during World War II.

Until their historical books are completely rewritten, the Japanese people will never understand why their neighbours feel so strongly about this subject.

Mr Abe's remarks are typical of a politician who wants to retain his lofty position in the Japanese political world.

Maybe he is under pressure from the conservatives to make that kind of statement. He wouldn't want to antagonise them, as his position might become insecure.

There isn't much interest in the Philippines about what Mr Abe has to say on the issue of comfort women. The majority of people are much more interested in the forthcoming elections.

Even the Philippine's official position came out mute in the papers - it was buried inside the pages.

The Philippines reaction may not be able to create a significant threat to Mr Abe's position in view of our dependence on Japanese aid.

However, what Mr Abe does not realise is that other countries offended by his remarks, like China and South Korea, carry more political and economic weight to make decisions that could affect Japan.

Best of British

A cut glass English accent can fool unsuspecting Americans into detecting a "brilliance that isn't there", says Stephen Fry. So is a British accent - of any variety - the route to success in the United States?
"Gee, I just love your accent."

Any Brit crossing the Atlantic will have heard that line many times. Like the rest of us, Americans are rarely immune to the charms of an accent different from their own.

There's the amusement value of listening to someone who sounds like they might just punctuate their sentences with "oh, behave". And a British accent can conjure up a stereotype of a polite, droll, self-effacing race.

But very few Brits are like Hugh Grant (Grant himself has kicked over the traces of his Four Weddings and a Funeral persona), and Stephen Fry speculates that Americans may be dazzled by the British accent.

"I shouldn't be saying this, high treason really, but I sometimes wonder if Americans aren't fooled by our accent into detecting a brilliance that may not really be there."

Fry - who puts his own melodious tones down to having "vocal cords made of tweed" - made the suggestion after seeing a "blitz of Brits" scoop many of this year's Golden Globes and Oscars.

His comments come as a new generation of British stars are trying to prove themselves in the US, while staying true to their regional roots (and more are landing plum jobs in US hit shows with accents other than their own).

About to try their luck are Ant and Dec, who will record the pilot of a new ABC game show - not a bad score in a country where they are best known for a brief cameo playing themselves in Love Actually, and as tone-deaf American Idol contestants playing a joke on judge Simon Cowell, currently the US's favourite pantomime limey baddie.

The network hopes they will enjoy more success than previous imports Anne Robinson and Johnny Vaughan - his 2005 game show My Kind of Town was cancelled after four episodes, with entertainment industry paper The Hollywood Reporter describing the Londoner as "heavily accented (and equally heavily annoying)".

America's most wanted

Another Brit currently feted in the US is Borat creator Sacha Baron Cohen, who gave Rolling Stone a rare interview as himself, rather than in character. The magazine was much taken with his "deep, genteel British accent", which in the UK might be described as educated north London.

"For most Americans, there's no distinction between British accents. For us, there's just one sort of British accent, and it's better than any American accent - more educated, more genteel," says Rosina Lippi-Green, a US academic and author of English with an Accent: Language, Ideology and Discrimination in the United States.

"It's a way of speaking that is all tied up with the Old Country, the Queen."

This perception extends to any UK accent, she says, divorcing the voice from any regional or class associations it might carry for a fellow Brit.

"There was a sitcom called Dead Like Me with a Brit [Callum Blue] in it. He was a scruffy, 20-something drug dealer. Even he had that sort of patina - his was not an RP accent, it was a working class London accent."

As for Parminder Nagra, plucked from Bend It Like Beckham to star in ER with her soft Midlands accent intact: "Oh, she's thought to be very, very classy, very Oxbridge."

And Simon Cowell, minting it as an American Idol judge? "He's the classic stereotype of a stuck-up Englishman - and stuck-up is something that goes with that perception of Britishness." Little wonder he's found success - the British baddie is a Hollywood staple.

Master and servant

As is the English butler. Henry Pryor, the founder of primemove.co.uk and the Register Of Estate Agents website, worked for Savills International in the late 1980s and early 90s, helping wealthy US buyers purchase flashy dockside apartments, gracious town houses and country piles in the UK.

"Our accents added a huge amount to what they thought they were buying into. This was the age of Four Weddings and a Funeral and Brideshead Revisited - and Arthur, in which John Gielgud played a butler. They approached having an English broker in the same way as having an English tailor or butler - it was a trophy of sorts."

And with a classic public school accent, Mr Pryor played up his Englishness. "It added cachet - you were buying a piece of English real estate from a guy who spoke just like Hugh Grant, and might look foppishly like him. I suspect it's the flipside of what my mother's generation found during World War II - the English seduced by American accents."

Katharine Jones, author of Accent of Privilege: English Identities and Anglophilia in the US, says the cultured associations have a long history. "British etiquette books have been used for years; and although Americans say they have no class system, they do - and the American upper class apes the British upper class."

Then there is the air of authority such a voice carries, hence the number of ads that use English-accented voiceover artists for products such as insurance and mouth wash.

Good neighbours

Whereas UK expats in Australia tend to lose their accents quite quickly, those in the US are less likely to, Ms Jones says. "They don't have as much incentive to change because of the perceived benefits - leaving a message in a 'posh' accent about a sought-after apartment and the landlady rings you straight back; the ripped-up parking tickets..."

And the job offers. Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman is currently recording his fourth series of the US version of the BBC show, Dancing with the Stars. He describes his own voice and choice of phrases as Cockney.

"Part of the reason they wanted me was my accent. Along with Bruno Tonioli, who's Italian, it lends the judging panel a cosmopolitan edge."

But he has modified the way he talks. "I do have to speak more slowly, and I play up to it. I might say 'that wasn't my cup of tea' or 'give it a bit of welly'. They love those quirky phrases."

As one who could never be described as sounding like the Queen, Goodman finds that his regional accent often confuses listeners. "I get asked if I'm Australian."

So does Liverpudlian Alison Walters, an immigration lawyer in Los Angles. But she enjoys feeling unique, and says that people are more friendly, and treat her with respect. "You do get preferential treatment and more of people's time, but I do think that is also down to our manners - saying please and thank you."

Then there's the perception that a British accent equals a brain the size of a planet - a perception reinforced by the not-uncommon belief that for the British, English is a second language. "From time to time I was complimented on how quick I was to pick up the language," says Mr Pryor.

Ms Walters adds that as the average American has a hard time following what she's saying, "perhaps the perception of being more intelligent comes from the fact they only understand 50% of what you are uttering".

With planeloads of Brits relocating to the US - not to mention three million tourists who visit the country every year - the stereotype of floppy fringes and plummy vowels must surely be due an overhaul.

Add your comments on this story, using the form below.

I attended Harvard Business School in Boston, where a large part of the grade is awarded on spoken contributions to the classroom. Brits generally did better there than other nationalities. I have no doubt that a large part of this was just the natural brilliance of the British. However, if I'm honest, Americans' perception that the accent was indicative of brain-the-size-of-planet intelligence was also a factor. I'm afraid that dear old Mr Fry has given away the game away.
Sam, London

"May I have 12 slices of salami, please?"
"I love your accent. You're English, right?".
"No, I'm Welsh."
"French?"
"No, Welsh. I'm from Wales."
"Oh, whales [with a very strong 'h']. That's part of England, right?"
"No, it's..." At this point I feel tempted to give a made-up explanation of what and where my homeland is. Somewhere off Greenland, perhaps? Reminding myself that I am an ambassador for my country I give an all-too practiced explanation. Blank faces. My accent, rather than being a benefit, is an almost constant reminder that my country, of which I am justly proud, is an unknown entity to at least 99% of the people I speak to. Frankly, I find it all a bit disheartening. I console myself with the notion that the American education system is lacking in the geography department and move on. "May I have 5lbs of potatoes, please?" "I love your accent. You're English, right?"
Paul Beckerton, Georgetown, Kentucky, US

Who wouldn't prefer a British accent to an American one? It just sounds better, no matter what the UK region or class it comes from. American accents are so much hard-edged and more nasal. It seems to me that most American accents make you seem like either a thug or a junior high school drop-out. I am an American but definitely acknowledge this.
Sanford Santacroce, NYC, US

I work in Strategic Planning at a major advertising agency in New York. Having been born and bred in India, I have what I would call a "leftover English" Indian accent. In this politically correct country, it's both funny and sad to see how people who have only spoken to me on the phone, react when they see me in person. I've also been told that I can get away with a lot of outrageous stuff because of my accent. About that, I'm not complaining.
RP Kumar, New York

Being Northern Irish, I find people, whether it be in the US or in England bemused by my accent. It's not just Americans who lack a good sense of world geography, English people are similarly shocking when it comes to the geography of the UK. Like the guy who said that when asked, he says London rather than Shropshire, I find it easier to say Belfast, rather than the country or the town. I've found myself dumbing down my accent and changed the idiomatic phrases that I use in order to stand out less and be patronised and laughed at, with the inverse of that being when I go home to NI having an anglicised twang on my accent.
Philip Kee, Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire

I grew up bilingually, speaking with an English (generic southern) accent at home with my family and the US accent I learned at school. Neither one is perfectly sound, each having a twang that sets it apart from a native speaker and my vocabulary, slang and spelling are more American. The change between the two happens subconsciously based on who I'm around. American friends get a bit nervous the first time they hear me talk to relatives, they think I've got a split personality. It can be quite convenient though to put one or the other on in certain situations. Any other English-born kids who grew up in the US have a similar situation? I've lived there since I was seven, about 15 years; my parents' haven't changed at all, but my younger brother's is far more American-slanted than mine.
Jacob, Virginia

I have two accents, my native Scouse and a straight English accent I use when trying to communicate with people who are unfortunate enough not to come from Liverpool. A few years back I was working in Tennessee as an ICT consultant. I generally used my straight English accent which I found attracted a great deal of attention from the fairer sex. On one occasion while sitting talking to a fellow Liverpudlian at a booth in a bar in Nashville, two very pretty young ladies came up to us and asked if we spoke English to which I replied "better than most". They were totally gobsmacked and sat next to us and one said "wow you speak real good English... but what was that other language you where just talking?" For the first time since arriving in the US, we were speechless!
John Murphy, Liverpool

"Yes - I'm the Queen's cousin."
Works every time with my accent.
Joe, RP London, England

As an expat living in Canada I'm always getting told how nice my accent is. But when people try to imitate it, it always comes out sounding like Del Boy...
Callum, Quebec, Canada

After 25 years here my accent has yet to successfully talk me out of a traffic ticket - but maybe I shouldn't be addressing the men in blue as "constable"?
John Kelly, New York City

I recently started as a consultant at a bank in New York and have since learnt from my co-workers that my CV was put on the top of the pile because I was British. Rolling out the British tones at interview was a formality.
Alex Preston, New York, US (originally Oxford, England)

I'm reading these comments with glee: as a Scot about to move to the US with my American girlfriend I shall expect 5-star treatment and favours everywhere I go.
Chris Evans, Glasgow

Sorry but I am NOT a fan of the "British" accent in any way. Sure, some of my countrymen who haven't travelled outside the US are easily impressed with a bit of cockney, but it doesn't do anything for me at all, except to have me wondering just whom this affectation of erudition and breeding is supposed to impress. I don't buy it - nor does anyone else I know. And yes, I'm an educated, well travelled person.
Johnny Wells, Santa Paula CA US

On my first visit to America I tried to cash a cheque (check!) at a bank in Chicago. The bank teller said "Excuse me?" three times, making me repeat my request. In the end she smiled disarmingly (Americans are good at that) and admitted "I heard you the first time. I just wanted to hear your accent again!" But it can be a two-edged sword as the BBC article points out. Sometimes Americans interpret the British accent as snobbish and aloof and unfriendly (British people cannot talk and smile at the same time like Americans). So it can lead to misunderstandings. But in truth it really is an advantage being British over here (even with a Yorkshire accent like mine). Of course, it is an advantage that evaporates the minute you set foot on British soil.
Pip, Michigan, US

There are some here in America who can discern the lilt of Londoners' accents from the cut of a Manchester accent, for example. But not many. The same can be true for Americans' accents abroad. How many Brits can tell the difference between a bloke from Kentucky and a chap from Montana by accent alone? Not many, I would assume.
Ryan, Winston-Salem, North Carolina

I spent 11 years in California and lowly, I had to modify (Americanise) the way I spoke so that people would listen to what I was saying and not how I was saying it. I, also, had to employ local idioms otherwise entire rooms full of people would burst out in adoring, but patronising, laughter. Eventually, my accent changed and I constantly got accused of being an Aussie. I came back to England in 2002 and found myself stuck with a twang that I'm only just now losing. But, I'll never forget the blank looks I used to get when I was asked the inevitable question, "Where are you from in England?" I soon learned that the only answer really was "London" because "Shropshire" simply didn't register.
Jon Bailey, Shrewsbury, UK

I've been living and working in the States for four years. People constantly comment on my accent and the company I work for like to have me answer their phones because they think my voice sounds professional. I have been asked a few times where I learned to speak English so well before I moved to the States though, despite me saying I am from England.
Sarah, Louisville, Kentucky, US

I work here as a truck driver and always get strange reactions to my Scots accent. Sometimes it opens doors, sometimes slams them hard on my face. I often have to repeat myself as people listen to how I say things, not to what I'm actually saying.
Gary, Morristown, Tennessee, US

Married to an expat Brit, I can tell you he gets preferential treatment at a lot of places, especially during interviews for work. It's gotten to the point where I've thought about affecting a British accent myself (which I can impersonate quite well after ten years of marriage)just so I can get a cushy job as well. Of course on the flipside, he often gets frustrated when the employees a the local McDonalds don't understand a word he says and they get his order all wrong and my order is happily correct...
Ainy, Baltimore, US

Oh how true! and how unfair! My British wife still bowls over the gullible Americans at every turn with her cute Scots-Irish accent. Free coffees, better tables in restaurants, better service, and on and on ad nausea. Our recent four years living in York got me no such treatment in kind with my cute and quiet American accent. Oh well, time to just give up and cheerfully hang on her coattails for the perquisites.
Christopher Kovach, New Albany, Ohio, US

A friend of mine went on holiday to Florida.
In the first week he was complimented : "You speak really good American."
In the second week, he was asked which part of France he was from.
He's from Leeds.
Mark Jones, Plymouth, Devon

Belgians in anti-racism weddings

About 700 Belgian couples have symbolically wed in a Flemish town where three couples had refused to let a black official marry them.

Deputy Mayor Wouter Van Bellingen was the first black councillor elected in St-Niklaas in northern Belgium.

In response to the snub, Mr Van Bellingen decided to organise a mass wedding as an anti-racism protest.

On a cold, wet night, the couples shouted "yes" when Mr Van Bellingen asked if they were ready to marry.

The day's events - chosen to coincide with the International Day against Racism - kicked off with a group hug before the assembled couples exchanged or renewed vows.

There was then a huge wedding photo, a "multicultural dessert buffet" and a wedding dance.

'Primitive form of racism'

Geere Brokken said he was participating to make an anti-racism statement.

"We were indignant that people refused to marry because of someone's skin colour," he said.

The councillor, Mr Van Bellingen, said of February's incident: "It was the most primitive form of racism. Nothing but the colour of my skin."

At least 2,000 letters and emails poured in after the incident, AFP news agency reports.

The Rwandan-born councillor was adopted by a Flemish family at birth.

He was elected councillor in the town of some 70,000, 50km (30 miles) north of Brussels, in local elections in October.

At the same elections, the anti-immigration Vlaams Belang got 26% of the vote.

The group has accused Mr Van Bellingen of using the mass wedding to further his political ambitions.

Thousands of people marched last year following the killing of a woman of African origin and the two-year-old girl she was a nanny for in Antwerp.

"We have to take away the fear of the unknown. If you are unknown, you are unloved," Mr Van Bellingen said.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

You can't hide those lying eyes


Wanted to write about taking a break from swimming tonight, my life, my job, my thoughts, Dan, my imagination, my feelings, my plans, my needs, my dreams, the past, the future or it seems, and jetzt, maintenant, boku, jianglai, yaoyuan de jianglai.

But it's time to sleep now, so I shall write tomorrow or sometime.

Be a responsible shopper


Find out more about sweatshops, here and here.

Children of the World, Iraq

Sunday, March 18, 2007

For there will be moonshine

Friday, March 16, 2007

My Goals


My goals!

This is a list under modification.

Short-term goals

- Read at least one book at least four nights each week (at least half an hour each night - starting tomorrow)
- Keep up on current affairs by reading and watching the news, programs/shows on TV (starting next week - at least one hour each week)
- Watch interesting movies on my Netflix once a week (starting next week)
- Devote four hours each week studying languages (starting next week)
- Start more constructive swim training, with Matt's help (if he is willing) (within this month)
- Discover the arts with John (within the next two months)
- Find out about harmonicas (for the next two months)
- Read "Successful Dog Adoption" and visit animal shelters (three to six months)
- Find out more about organizations to join to make new friends (two to six months)
- Travel to Europe in May (two months out)

Medium-term goals

- Try out one organization by the middle of summer (July 15 - in four months)
- If successful, stick with it. If not, try out another by end of summer (September 15 - in six months). Keep trying at least one every two months if not successful.
- Bonus goal (give myself a pat on the back if I can make this): Try to see if I can join a second organization. (by year's end)
- Visit my friends in Purdue (by end of summer)
- Perform more than adequately at work (everyday)
- Take stock of life by end of summer and think about medium-term goals again

Long-term goals

- Go home and see my parents and old friends! (By summer of 2008)
- Think about career paths, what other careers that are interesting and meaningful to me that I really have a passion for, especially that I don't consider making money a big goal, so more time off to travel to places, back home, visit friends would be ideal. (two years)
- Maintain friendship with Dan, if destiny permits (two years)

Other lesser goals

- Put a real picture up on my myspace, facebook, and blogger, and link them. (By the third month of my joining an aquatics club!)

The seventy-thirty rule: If I can make all this work seven out of ten times, I'd have achieved my goals. Well and good! The eighty-twenty rule: If I can make all this work eight out of ten times, it'd be awesome!

MyTennis Guys


My favorite guys of tennis right now are Novak Djokovic and Richard Gasquet. They are great players! I saw Novak's match today at Indian Wells. Good-looking! And he looks a bit like Dan :-). But really my favorite player is still Richard. Sweetest backhand in the world.


P.S. Adding Tommy to my list.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

You know I love you so


Everyone knows I'm a lonely guy. I try not to think about it too much, but I know that's not really the whole truth. I'm just able to keep those demons at bay, and it's important that I do so. The more I try to not be lonely by doing everything I can, the more I fuck up by trying too hard.

I talked about Matt, the swim guy, earlier on. He's one of only two "friends" outside of work I have now. I put that in quotes because we're not really friends yet, you know. Just swim buddies. But I know it's not likely we're gonna be much more than that, even though that's fine by itself. I find myself screwing up sometimes because inside of me I get those emotions and I don't carry it off very well anymore. Why don't I just chill and everything would be better?

You know, last night, I wrote on my myspace, under who I'd like to meet, that I wanted to meet all the good, cool people in this world. I only want to meet them because I'm happy doing that. So I shouldn't think so hard about wanting much more. That's my weakness. Thinking too hard about some shit ideal.

We talked about doing kick and pull sets, so I'm thinking I'll get a pair of fins and paddles and a pull buoy. It'd be cool!

I think I need to write down my goals once again to keep me level-headed. Watch out, folks! Next entry. Off to bed now.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Dog's Best Buddy


Always wanted a dog but never found the opportunity. Bookstore today, picked up a book called "Dogs for Dummies". Been a dummy lately, yeah. Dummy for dogs, too. OK, think that though me and shelter dog may have lots of love for each other, that love will have to wait!

I'll be Sailing


Looking forward to my trip already! Can you guess where I'll be going? Hopefully my friend and I will get to see Roland Garros at the conclusion of the holiday.


Now I'm off to the pool and beyond, fun and all!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Where the Ocean meets the Sky


Exciting week! My cool boss and I drove up to Blandon, Pennsylvania for a site visit to a cement siding manufacturing plant. Trudging in hard hat, steel toes, safety glasses and earplugs, I thought about the years of schooling I had, about the fact that I was working my first real job. And as usual my imagination overtook me, and I found myself wondering about the world, about Dan, and how all this came about.

Today, browsing through some books at the local Borders, I became engrossed in a book called "Dating for Dummies". How true some of the things it said. That's the thing about books. Every book I've read has provided fodder for understanding. Language, the greatest invention of man.

Swimming at the Hood College pool has let me meet two cool people so far. The first person is a 60-year old art teacher whose name is John. I made brief mention of him in my last post. Talking with him makes me feel like I'm talking to a living, breathing book. The second person who I haven't mentioned is a 30-year old guy named Matt, who happens to be in the same profession as I am. Muscular and good-looking, he was a college swimmer and is currently training for a triathlon. Seems like a steady, decent sort of guy, I certainly have fun talking with him! I hope to meet more cool people like John and Matt.

Last night, I went to the Bestbuy store in town. Sat down on a comfy couch in front of the gigantic flat panel and watched the Coldplay concert they were playing from the DVD.


Though I find Coldplay somewhat depressing, I think they're fine musicians. And I like their songs "Fix You" and "Yellow".

Through the corner of my eye, a second large TV screen was showing scenes from the Festival Mondial des Théâtres de Marionnettes. To be honest, I didn't know what it was all about until today!


Another screen was showing images of the magnificent Oregon coastline. Hope to have a chance to be there one day.


Bedtime! Maybe tomorrow I'll write a little about my upcoming trip and everything else.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Go!


Four posts today!

Above is General Lafayette standing tall and proud outside the White House. We were there (Mom and I) a little less than two months ago.

Then there's Lafayette, Indiana, Christmas Parade 2006.


There's my friends still in Purdue, they saw the hot boys in the pool with me!


Makoto, in the Palisades district of D.C., a very authentic Japanese restaurant. Mom and I were mad about it when we were there. Go for the Japanese experience and for the mouth-watering food, but not for the cramp atmosphere. Won't be back there for some time!


Originally taken for friends who haven't seen a sheet of ice on the car window!


First snow from my apartment balcony. My own backyard (for the dogs I'm gonna have) with a nice scenic view!


Looking forward to:
-Traveling to Amsterdam, Prague, Vienna, Salzburg, Zurich, Interlaken, Geneva, Venice, Florence, Rome, and Paris (and a whole lot more) with a good long-time buddy of mine from home in May/June. Hopefully we'll get our tickets for Roland Garros, fulfilling a dream! Bought this lonely planet two days ago.


-Going to the art gallery with an art teacher I met at the Hood College pool. He happens to know who my boss is because they are from the same town. A nice, fatherly chap! I got to ask him, but I think I respect him and he respects me. BTW, the first guy to know I'm gay here!
-Finding time to visit Dan, and to visit my friends in Indiana. I shall go! I am confident Dan and I will meet ;-), and I will find time to go back to Indiana. Thirteen days of leave a year does not help, but hey! I have a bright smile on me now.
-Looking for organizations to join. There's the DC Aquatics Club, they seem to be very hardcore though, and there's I'm sure some others with the right people and the right interests... maybe in Baltimore. Don't fit in to the scene in DC, and wanting too much to fit in = bad.
-Learning French, German, Spanish etc.!
-Seeing Dan, seeing my friends back home, seeing my family, writing emails and talking with them.


Der Gute Mensch Dan


I like to talk about Dan on this blog, as you know. This is one of the few places I can take out some of the things closest to my heart, put them away neatly and safely in a box, and place that box back in my heart again.

Episodes from the last few days made me think about Dan again. I probably would like to chat with Mom about this tonight. I want to tell her and to tell you, that even though Dan is not here and that Dan isn't with me, I feel strong and my heart fills with love for the kind and beautiful people and things in this world when I think of Dan. It sounds sappy, I know. But it really is how I feel.

This part is really for Sue to read. Sue, thanks for everything. I told you some very real things at the time. I only got to know of this later. I was sorry to hear from Dan, that they broke up. Dan says he thinks of Jon a lot still.

You see, it does not make me happy that they are not together. I do look out of the window every day, seeing the sun shining in, and think about spending my time with him. But it's not about having him, do you know? It's about just seeing him, talking with him, and spending some happy days, and knowing he's happy and healthy.

Here's something for me to look back down the road. My job is good to me. It's all sounding insane to say, but if Dan is still where he is when the time comes, I will move up to be with him. I will be happy and happy to be in the "little big city", be there with him. It's silly, but it's true. That's what I want to do.

I want to tell him that I won't be letting frivolous things come between our friendship. Whatever happens, I still want to travel, to go out, to talk, to do stuff with him. I won't come between him and Jon, or whoever else.

I know all that I wrote sounds crazy, but that is really what I think of. I don't do nothing crazy, and I won't do nothing crazy. For I do care, and I do care a lot.

And thinking about these things, it makes me want to live and breathe this beautiful earth. It makes me love my family and friends even more, to treasure what I have, to go for what I want. I say all this not because I'm a hopeless romantic, but because I do feel all this every living minute, every living second. Hope you are doing well, Dan.

Das Leben


Friday night, I went to see the German film Das Leben der Anderen in Bethesda. Enjoyed the movie very much. Now, of course you got to see the movie. Great story, good lines. Lines, that's what makes a movie!

One thing I noticed about the audience that night was that a lot of them were foreigners. One could tell from the English, or non-English, they spoke. A funny episode occurred after the end of the film. Apparently, there was some unhappiness between two groups of moviegoers, one sitting behind the other. The man in front got up and yelled, "You think you are fucking smart, eh?" to the woman at the back who replied, "If you want, we can take this outside." And the man was livid, and said let's take it outside, then, come on." Too bad they didn't get to enjoy a good movie!

Of course, I was thinking about Dan as I was watching the film. There's so many elements that remind me of him.

You don't say

A few weeks ago, feeling like I needed to make friends here, I answered a personal on Metroweekly. The guy turned out to be a lawyer, 32 years of age. Sounded pretty nice on the phone, he told me he had a party at his place last night, do you want to come. I said, sure why not.

So I turn up and there were a bunch of people I never met. J., the 20-something from Catholic American South, not out to his family, decent. V., the host, my "contact", lawyer, wealthy. K., interesting, ok. Name-I-forgot, 50-something, geeky, ok. S., 34, workaholic. C., bitchy, ok. M., didn't talk to much, no comments. E., decent, didn't talk to much, no comments. Very tall, name-I-forgot, didn't want to talk to me. A., sullen-faced, didn't want to talk to me. S., arrived late, I was kinda sleepy and left before we talked. A few others, gone with the wind.

What a boring night. Silver Springs, Maryland, home of rich yuppified faggots doing their shit, living in posh condos without no yard nor garden of green grass and flowers.

Got home, went to bed. V. calls, saying nice cordial things. Did you get home safe, we were worried (that I was tipsy). Didn't get to try the wine you brought, maybe we could try it sometime. I say, yeah I got home safe, I'm fine, yeah to everything he said.

No more nights like this for me, though.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I'm so happy today!


My naked friend.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Thinking


Hi,

It's been almost two months since I got to Maryland. I just set up "home" here in Frederick. Mom was here with me for the first month or so, she went home a few weeks ago.

My job has been good to me so far. My co-workers are good people and my boss is wonderful. The work is interesting. Only, I kinda think this isn't my "calling", so to speak. Did I tell you what else I was gonna do with my life?

I spent the first three weekends here with my Mom. She's far away, and I mean far
(and many of you may not know what far means) and doesn't get to see me often. There are four immediate members in my family, and everyone of us is in a different place. I admire my mom and I thank her so much for being understanding and being strong, for she never mentions one word about my returning home. She tells me that if I don't have the time, don't worry about not coming back, and she puts herself through long flights just so she can see us. How strong her love comes through in the silence, this nobody else will ever know.

It's remarkable how some things in life turn out. My good friend from "hometown" and I are planning a trip to Europe at the end of May for two weeks. He and I have known each other for almost a decade and a half now, and I haven't seen him for two and a half years, long enough for one to forget the other. But as old wines go, the longer they age, the better they taste. Just the other day, another mutual friend of ours, in response to an email I sent, wrote to say, "Hope we can talk more often. Maybe we could email each other every one or two weeks." This despite the fact he's happily married to a delightful girl I haven't met. Life is really like a box of chocolates, isn't it? There was a time some years ago, in the time of growing up, that I thought one day I'll be happily married with kids, and never knew the day when that happens, where would old friends be? Then there are other friends who keep asking me, when will I ever come back? Because they are the ones who never fail to reply my emails, I know that the question that they ask do mean a whole lot.

I guess it goes the same for other people I know. I don't know if you know (and now you do), I stalk. Yes, I do. And there's only one guy that I do. His name is Dan, and for right now, he lives about 6 to 7 hours away. That is not far away at all (if you know what far means). So if I'm really crazy, I can stalk him right outside his doorstep every weekend. But I'm not crazy, so I don't. I stalk him on the web (now isn't that so much less crazy?). Don't tell Dan! Because I only check his profiles on all those sites for stalkers and their best friends... actually, you may tell him, because I get to know Dan better as I look at his page, and in doing so, my wasted heart loves him even more, and this love doesn't want to go away, and so when all's said and done, I only wish for him to be happy and healthy.

Now there's a line in his profile that says, true to his words, how he sees his friends as family. I'm sorry, it does no justice to his wit and eloquence for me to paraphrase his words like that, but let's play a game, see if you can find Dan Waldo on myspace. And I know, despite the fact he's thinking about things (and I don't know what he's thinking), just like I am, he's happy! As he always is.

Difference? Lots. I'm thinking too, but I'm not doing that while home and with friends (you see, he has lots of cool friends) and fam, not doing that knowing one could pick and choose, not doing that while being Dan. And so at night when the silence of those cold, lonely walls deafens me, and in the morning when I wake up, I sometimes have the impulse to seek out a shrink to talk it over, am I just wasting my life away thinking and not doing? But luckily, I am made of strength and courage, and being the "sunshine boy" my Mom always reminds me that I was and still am, I realize that it just takes a little bit of patience.

How is patience taught? Through impatience and then some bit of prudence. Well, here goes... I just bought a new car! A Jeep Wrangler!


Now before you get the wrong idea, my new jeep will not be red in color. Further, I got the most basic trim because I just don't have the money for anything more. My jeep will not have power locks and power windows. It's such a throwback to the very first car my dad and mom had, yes isn't that retro cool? I will learn to appreciate the rustic charm of slow life in a fast car. (But I'm saving up for big wheels.)

Patience too, in life. Count my blessings and take stock of what I have. I have Dan as a friend, this I know, and I say cherish it, like I would seeing a kind, genuine smile. I don't care if Dan doesn't know what love is, for love is frivolous. My job, I cherish, because without it, there wouldn't be today. Someone here I've never seen invites me out because I responded to a personal (hopefully it's still happening), I hope we can be friends. And then as I climb out of the pool after another swim, feeling better already for those few moments, I like to think. I think I'm not having much of a life here, but I can work towards having one. This job, if I do it well, will give me much. And when I feel I've given it my due, I will work to find one that doesn't need to pay as much, but will give me more time to travel home, to travel and find friends, old and new, to live and enjoy, and to be with Dan, even if, when the time comes, he's no longer there. Surely, you may say, the pitfall is what this is all about, always living for the future and not for the present, but isn't that what it really is sometimes?

P.S. I needed some humor today, and not finding any with anyone, I went to Borders and picked up some books in the Humor section, and found some great humor there.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

In the land down under

Kristof Vliegen
Richard

Novak Djokovic


Jelena Jankovic


Nathan Healey


Gaston

Monday, January 08, 2007

Corde et Mente et Manu

Hood College, located in Frederick, Maryland, has a heated 25-yard, 6-lane, outdoor pool that is enclosed by a canvas "bubble" in winter.

I like to swim there now.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Splash, grin... and off to find my shooting star


Hey, hey, I graduated and found a job too. I'm off to the merry land of Maryland! (And taking over the world at the same time... teehee)

It's a job (I hope) I like. I'm helping to save the world in my own little way.

I have my own tiny plans too. They're... oh so slowly...going to happen.

But before I leave good ol' Lafayette, here are some pictures to remember her by. At the top, a picture taken today of the grand ol' hall and the not-so-old clocktower.

Below, pictures of the awesome pool and the cool (or hot, depending) dudes who were here for the US Open swimming championships earlier this month.


Lean, muscular man-dolphins frolicking in the tub.

And P-helps coming in... first.


My final swig with friends and pals at Chumley's.


Had a great conversation with Dan on the phone today. All is well! Here's wishing he will find his shooting star (like the dude at the *bottom*), while I set off to find my own.

Goodbye Indiana. Maryland, here I come.


P.S. I'm just L-I-V-I-N. livin'.
P.P.S. Happy Christmas, and... well, everything else!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Wo ist es?

Saturday, September 30, 2006

When I look at you I wonder why


Parting shots --

Visit webgaylife. That's where I get most of my lovely boy photos from. I really like the pictures on this guy's site. It's my favorite.

Visit bbc news sometimes if you read the news online. There are stories over there you don't read about elsewhere.

Thank you all for visiting. Good luck and take care.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

A La Fin


A La Fin

School is finally ending for me. I have been trying to write up my thesis, study for an important exam, and look for a job. But I haven't been working hard enough, I know. I've also been trying to do what I want to before leaving. Just last week before the football game, the Boilermaker Express was chugging its way around campus. At a whim I went up to the guys driving the vehicle and asked if they were giving free rides. A curious wave of exhilaration overcame me as I hopped on the back of the choo-choo train and took in the cool breeze as it circled the campus.

Since the semester began, I've been sitting in for French and German classes, and doing fine. Yesterday, all of a sudden, as I walked out of German, I decided that that was going to be the very last language class for me at Purdue. The odd, liberating realization hit me as I walked past the maple tree that, at this time of year, took on three colors: the side nearest me was already yellow, in the middle it was still a fading green, and on the far side a dull red.

I fell sick a little more than a couple of weeks ago and as of today, I haven't fully recovered. It started the day after I talked with Dan over the phone. I cried and cried after we ended the conversation.

Daydreaming

I daydream a lot. In the day, when I'm alone and not working, I dream about my future, all my plans, all my challenges, all the fun. Invariably somehow they would involve some bit of Dan.

At night before I fall asleep and in the morning before I get out of bed, I dream mostly just about Dan. Sometimes the dreams are about the sweet things but often they are also ludicrously about unreal events of the future that only exist in imagination, heart-wrenchingly sad incidents. And during such moments when I do dream such dreams, I cry and cry.

Crying

On a certain day last week, I think the date was either 9/20, 9/21, or 9/22, I laid a tiny milestone. On that day, I realized that I had gone through the entire day without shedding a tear -- for the first time since 5/21. In the beginning I would cry because I had to, because I wanted to, and because I couldn't not cry. After that, the crying went on but I didn't know why I cried, the tears just came to me all the time.

Things must have changed sometime after my conversation with Dan. Unwittingly the conversation must have made me realize that things are different already -- things change and they change without a whisper, like the leaves on that maple tree.

Tears still come when I think about Dan, but maybe for different reasons now.

What I do

In these last few weeks here, I go about doing my stuff like everyone else would. There is much to do. But there was one thing I really missed when I fell sick, and that was the swimming that I do. I love swimming, even if I'm not good at it. I'm about to make a promise to myself, I will cherish these last few weeks and go to the pool everyday and more than once a day, and swim the best I can.

You'd have no idea how much it means to me now.

I don't hope for too much. The best piece of advice I heard -- to not hope for too much -- after the phone conversation. I don't hope for much now, in all aspects -- and that is a good thing!

I recall the myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus once more:

"Je laisse Sisyphe au bas de la montagne ! On retrouve toujours son fardeau. Mais Sisyphe enseigne la fidélité supérieure qui nie les dieux et soulève les rochers. Lui aussi juge que tout est bien. Cet univers désormais sans maître ne lui paraît ni stérile ni fertile. Chacun des grains de cette pierre, chaque éclat minéral de cette montagne pleine de nuit, à lui seul, forme un monde. La lutte elle-même vers les sommets suffit à remplir un cœur d'homme. Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux."

In the english translation, it is:

"I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night-filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."

It's a good thing to not hope for too much. I don't hope to push the rock up the mountain, nor for it to stay up there, but I do it. I just do it! It is the rock that is beautiful, if one would take a close look at it. I know it because I have seen it. Dan has shown me, but he doesn't yet know it.

The World

I knew today, not because Dan told me but because of the World Wide Web, that Dan and Jon are doing well and that they have made beautiful plans too. When I knew about it, I made a vain struggle to contain my emotions. Sometimes, certain matters are just too hard to bear, aren't they? But if one thinks I didn't want good to happen to the both of them, then one would be wrong. It was the other things that made me cry.

I thought about the rock in my hands and the hope that it carried. Not too much hope, really, but only the hope that I have the chance to write Dan a note or to say a few words the next time around. It isn't too much to hope for, is it? Every couple of months, perhaps, I will write or call him, to hear that he's doing well. It is my hope right now to have a chance to do that in a few weeks. And I'm sure after that happens, I will hope for the next time I can do that again. I don't hope for anything else -- just a few words would do.

Today, though, this is Aron hiding behind a false name and revealing something real about himself -- to the world. This is me telling a little true story, wishing to let myself be heard but not seen. This is me saying to Dan, I love you and I miss you so much, and I will always be your good friend, and wishing somehow he would hear me but not really wanting that to happen, and not caring how stupid it all sounds. It is me saying to myself, I will go on doing all that I hope to do and dreaming the dreams, telling myself to work hard for a better tomorrow, to believe all that I believed and to go on believing. It is me shouting out to Dan and myself, that I meant everything and well. And to all the people I love and who love me, that things will be fine.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Would you like COCK?


Check out the penis emporium in Beijing.


Interesting how the two countries' (Congo & Congo) capitals are located right across the river from each other.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Iran's proud but discreet Jews


Check this article out.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Das Groß M


Ca te plait, cela?

My class


Curiously the same name, the same hair, and a similar voice, but a different person. Dan, my German teacher of one week, told me today, "I'm afraid I can't let you stay." I wasn't able to sign up for the class due to my impending graduation.

But he let me sit in for one more class this morning. At the end of class, I went up and gave him a firm handshake. "Danke schön," I said. "Bitte schön," he replied.

Fortunately, there are two other sections. I sat in for them earlier last week and decided that I liked Dan, his German, his pronunciation, his class. Oh yeah, I think the guys in his class are cooler too. The other teachers didn't have any trouble letting me stay, but it wasn't Dan's fault. So tomorrow, I'm going to go for one of the other sections -- lousier pronunciation, but less problems.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

For Jon


To Jon:

Thanks for the understanding. I hope these pictures will give you some ideas for your creations. I couldn't write anything more than this, but I think the pictures are more than enough.


I saw a poster of this painting a couple days ago at a poster sale in school. There were many other beautiful posters.


I hope you will continue creating beautiful pieces for as long as you like. You have no idea how much of a smile they bring to people who see them.

Thanks for everything.

Keep in touch.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Voices from the conflict

Civilians in Lebanon and Israel are being hit very hard as the conflict continues for a third week.
Here are some of their stories.

"I support Hezbollah now"

Execution of a teenage girl

A television documentary team has pieced together details surrounding the case of a 16-year-old girl, executed two years ago in Iran.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Ghada Mitri answers readers' questions

Ghada Mitri was on a visit to Lebanon from the UK to look after her elderly parents when the country came under attack.

Despite being able to return back home to safety, she decided to stay and try to help Lebanese people caught up in a desperate situation.

"Israel has created a lot of hate in the hearts of the young generation of Lebanon, and vindicated the older generations who still remember the past. This young generation born after the war would probably have had a different point of view towards Israel than its elders. But in one fell swoop - Israel has destroyed that."

Sunday, July 16, 2006

From Our Own Correspondent

The reality in Afghanistan, and in Israel-Palestine.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

"Hey, what a neat planet. We're thinking of staying to see what happens next."

Friday, July 07, 2006

A wager and a swim

I just made a bet with a friend of mine. The loser's gonna take the other guy out for dinner!

The BM bet of the summer:

----------------- Me ----------- He

Wimby Ladies -- Justine ------- Amélie
Wimby Mens --- Vamos Rafa -- Fed Express
World Cup ------ Gli Azzurri --- Les Bleus

Who I wanna see win:

Wimby Ladies -- Amélie
Wimby Mens --- Vamos Rafa
World Cup ------ Les Bleus

Who I see winning:

Wimby Ladies -- Justine
Wimby Lems --- Fed Express
World Cup ------ c'est difficile, si je ne sais pas

Also, just now, I went swimming! Haven't swum for nearly two months now. I felt as wet as a shag on the rock in the pool.

Le Mythe de Sisyphe

Je laisse Sisyphe au bas de la montagne ! On retrouve toujours son fardeau. Mais Sisyphe enseigne la fidélité supérieure qui nie les dieux et soulève les rochers. Lui aussi juge que tout est bien. Cet univers désormais sans maître ne lui paraît ni stérile ni futile. Chacun des grains de cette pierre, chaque éclat minéral de cette montagne pleine de nuit, à lui seul, forme un monde. La lutte elle-même vers les sommets suffit à remplir un cœur d'homme. Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux.

ALBERT CAMUS

Dan, I love you!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

World Cup fans visit Dachau / Crossing Continents


From the BBC, a World Cup to remember.


A beautiful small town's story in Poland.

Friday, June 30, 2006

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu

Dan's gone.

July 2: I know, and I understand. Love you, and wish you all the best. To see you happy, I'm chuffed! Bye now. :-) Don't worry, I'll be happy, I'll be strong, I'll try. And I'll be fine! :-)

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Life is Art, Art is Life


Your world is beautiful.

Superdrewby


Found this cool site.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

A Tale of Two Resolutions


Friday Jun 23

One day about four weeks ago I told a really remarkable friend of mine about the problems that were plaguing me. I then resolved not to breathe a single word about them to anyone, including him, from then on. When you have a friend who understands everything because he feels and thinks the same way you do, do you need to say anymore to him or to anyone else? The last thing you want to do is to burden someone, or even to hope to gain the sympathy of people who don't understand.

An event today confirmed it. I resolved not to say anything, and I did just that.

Sunday Jun 25

Without a car, it took me more than twenty minutes to walk from the bookstore to my office. I wanted to get some stuff done. Too many thoughts were swirling in my mind.

I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. I wrote down my age at the top. Below it I wrote my major in college and my graduate school discipline. I wrote down where I wanted to be and to live. Then I wrote down everything that was important to me, my interests, my friends, my everything. I wrote down just one word for each thing that crossed my mind. At the end of it, I glanced quickly at the list I just made, still confused, torn asunder in five different directions. I folded the paper up and put it in my pocket. Told myself, I will have to make a choice. Soon.

Waited at the bus-stop for over a quarter of an hour. The bus didn't come. Went back to the building to look for my friends. Couldn't find any. Sunday afternoon, nobody was there. Had the urge to call one of them up to beg for a ride home. It was then that I resolved. I resolved to walk home.

So I started making my journey home on foot. Crossed the road. Made my way past the stadium and the huge parking lot. Climbed the hill past the stately mansions and pretty homes. Left the tree-lined street for the country road. Left the shade for the sun. Walked by fields of wild grass and past the huge estate. Trudged forward on the gravel shoulder by the side of the US highway, with cars and trucks thundering by on my right. Crossed the long treeless stretch bordering the huge Walmart.

I walked and walked. Took every step in silence, silence except for the calls of the insects, the cries of the birds, the rustling of the reeds, and the incessant boom from the highway. Silence except for the voices in my head.

In the end, I got home. Just before I stepped into my apartment, I heard the hiss of a bus letting of its gases. Turning around, I spied three people get off the bus. An Indian, a blonde, and a Chinese girl. Students, students like me. The Indian chap remarked with a wide smile, "That felt so great. Must have been the best bus ride I ever took." The girls, they were giggling. A happy sight. Like me, they must have also been deceived by the bus schedule.

I did not smile. But I was thinking, I had walked for an hour and I made it home.

Ya Know?



Catch the match tomorrow between Federer and Gasquet 8 am EDT.

From Our Own Correspondent

Sunday, June 11, 2006

From Our Own Correspondent


Remembering the riots in Soweto.

The plight of the East Timorese.

How cute in Quito.

You couldn't have told us a better story


The Guantanamo suicides amount to acts of war against the US. What a remarkable tactic the evil guys used against us. Tell us if you're also going to lock yourself up for a few years without trial and then kill yourself as part of the offensive against our enemies.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

From Our Own Correspondent


One of my favorite programs, for its fascinating stories:

Read about the travails of a Senegalais as he tries to reach the fabled land in Djebudjen.

Check out why Athens does not have a single mosque despite its Muslim population in On the banks of the Evros.

Learn more about the sinister Stasi of Ostdeutschland in The Life of the Others.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

A Memorial Day Weekend to Remember!


This evening, my friend from school asked me to take him out for driving practice. He's an international student from somewhere far away, he's got a learner's permit and he plans to take his drive test and buy a car, but before he can do that he needed some practice.

So he tells me that he passed his driving test back home, but never had much real practice. I figured he'd be good enough to practice on some of the wider residential streets on a quieter side of town. We started off with left turns, making each successively so that we went by the same house with two college dudes sitting on easy chairs out on their front lawn every minute or so, by the end I was waving at them every time we passed. When we got sick of left turns, we started doing right turns, and that was when exciting things happened.

He wasn't very good at controlling the wheel after making the turn at all. Nowadays, advanced power steering technology has made easing the wheel back to a straight line easy -- one just has to let the wheel slide back. But he hadn't quite worked that out yet. So when we were making our eighth right turn, the car was veering too much to the right and heading straight for the car parked in front of us. As though fate had it in store for us, a cop car was heading for us on the left. My friend got terribly flustered, muttered a "Why does he have to come now?", but still he hadn't managed to steer the car back and was going to hit the car parked on the curb anytime now.

At this moment, my friend must have been thinking in his mind, "Shit! I'm driving so badly, the cop's gonna pull me over, handcuff me, throw me in jail, and sentence me to death by firing squad! What do I do? Oh hell! What do I do?" Perhaps he decided that it was best to steer away from the cop as far as possible -- instead of heading for the open space in between the cop car and the parked car, he was like "Maybe if I hide my car behind the car parked in front till the cop passes, he wouldn't catch me." Problem was, instead of hitting the brake, he decided to step harder on the accelerator.

Ok, so now we were really going to hit the parked car in front of us. My friend probably forgot the car had such a thing as a brake, so in order to avoid causing a huge accident with the parked car, he swerved to the right, and we went in between a "2 hour parking" sign and a little tree, up the sidewalk, KABOOM!, hit the grassy slope, saw a few stars...

It was really exciting! The cop came over, I was trying to explain things to him, he said, "Let the driver talk." Yeah, I was trying to help my friend, because I knew he must have been peeing in his pants already. It's my car, I'm going to be inconvenienced for the next two weeks, but I know he's a responsible guy, will definitely pay me for the costs, but it's going to hurt his pocket because he's saving up for his marriage with a girl in Dubai in December. He's also afraid of losing his permit, his ability to drive, get a car, so on and so forth, but most of all, he's never gotten into any trouble of this sort. My friend was terribly worried, and sorry that he got me into trouble too.

The tow truck came and with a great deal of effort, the car was finally towed away. The car was pretty badly misshapen -- it wasn't drivable anymore (no shit), the front left part of the car was smashed, parts of the car came off.

I got my roommate to drive us home. Told my friend it was going to be all right, I was going to take care of the stuff, asked him not to worry. But how could he not be worried? I was chatting with Mr. Policeman while the tow truck driver was sweating his head off trying to figure out a way to get the car out of its insalubrious position, and I was like:

"Pretty bad, huh?"

"Yep."

"So it's gonna be a thousand dollars or two for repairs, do you think?"

"Ummm, looks like it's gonna be more like three to five thousand."

My friend's going to be broke.

So my roommate was saying, "I'm surprised to see you so calm about the whole thing. If I were you, my hands would be around his neck already." Yeah, my roommate is singularly uncool when it comes to such things. I said, "I know he's gonna pay me for the damages, so I'm not worried. He's the one who seems calmer than he should be, he's really gotten himself into deep shit now."

I got my friend to take a picture of the car using his cellphone, but he couldn't download it yet, so no pictures for now.

At this point, I'm going to switch the story back to Dan again (yeah I know, everything's been about him recently -- what to do? I think about him all the time). So I was like, I had an urge to call and tell him (he was the first person I thought of that I wanted to tell the story to -- no surprise) the funny Memorial Day Weekend story. But of course I didn't. The slightly comforting thing was that he actually called me back on Wednesday (hmmm, I wonder if he wasn't going to say anything "nasty"). I didn't pick up, thankfully, I was in the shower. I'm not planning to talk to him for a long time. I need time, he and Jon -- they need time too.

These few days, I've been thinking a lot about this whole thing. Would it be better for me to forget everything? I'll lose this person completely, but I'll be able to move on, less painfully perhaps. But I'm thinking right now, I have this urge to talk to him like good friends would, even if he's married, fucking with another guy, and I'll never be able to touch him again (And can I be good friends without feeling like shit? Not right now). Provided he still likes me as a person, and is ok with everything and being friends, and his partner is as well (I've got to handle this smartly, carefully). After all, he never really did anything to hurt me, as we never had any "relationship"... it is so bizarre (I felt hurt nonetheless)!

I don't know, everyday my mind goes through different things, maybe tomorrow, my thoughts will be completely the opposite. It could be that being just friends would prove too difficult after all. The cruel thing is, even if I was willing, maybe he'll not want to see each other again, if that's the case, at this point, I'm still unable to handle that possibility. So I can't talk to him yet, not now, nor for a long time. But I think after tonight's incident, I'm beginning to feel I can just be great friends with him, because he's too cute to lose otherwise.

That's Why


That's Why (You Go Away)
-- Michael Learns to Rock

Baby won't you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you
L___ is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

You're the one who set it up
Now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feeling's so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know


You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
Now you wanna say goodbye to me
L___ is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feeling's so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things



February 25:

The after-party at the pub. His eyes, his smile, his voice, the way he behaved. The fact he studied foreign languages. His charm, his humor. Physically, it was instant attraction, never gazed so longingly at anyone else. Everything else followed. He told me he didn't sleep around, that he had a boyfriend. I wasn't thinking. I was buzzed. The alcohol must have influenced him too.

He said he knew that when it was time for him to leave, it would be over between the two of them.

I helped him to cheat. I thought he liked me a lot. He asked me, "Do you want to go out?" I didn't reply. The next morning, I asked him if he meant it. He thought for a moment, and said "I don't know." But we exchanged phone numbers, he was excited. I was excited. "Call me."

March 1:

By now, I was head over heels infatuated with him. I called him. We chatted.

He asked me casually if I was doing a Master's or a Ph.D.

I reply, "Ph.D. Why?"

"Nothing. Just curious."

"What about you?"

"Master's."


"Ok."

"Hey Aron, I told my boyfriend about what happened between us on Sunday when he came home. I thought he would get mad with me and throw me out there and then. But he didn't. He was... very sad. I'm thinking, maybe he's the one for me, you know. I've never been with anyone for this long. We've been together for over a year. I want to see if we can work things out. I'm sorry if I misled you."

Gutted. Crushed. Thought he was saying goodbye, we shouldn't see each other again.

"No Aron, we could hang out sometime, you know. As friends. Yeah. Maybe not so soon, like in a couple of weeks." Voice sounded enthusiastic.

I wasn't myself. My heart, completely taken over by his words. One moment, thrown onto the floor by his rejection, the next, raised by the prospect of hanging out as "friends".

I cry. Why are you keeping me on a leash?

March 4:

My eyes. Bloated. Couldn't concentrate on anything. Moments in a complete daze punctuated by streams of tears. A total wuss. A million thoughts had already crossed my mind. Why did I like this guy so much? What's happening to my life?

Met him by chance at the mall.

"Hey!" I feign excitement and manage to force a smile.

"Oh hey!" He grabs my hand and pulls me across to give a warm, thoughtful hug. "I was going to call you on Monday. I'm usually free on Wednesdays. Perhaps we could hang out have a drink."

"Yeah!" I force another smile. "Hey, I was looking for a shirt, you know, like something shiny."

"Hey, I'll help you look. I've a pretty good eye for shirts." Twinkle in his eye. Candy on his lips.

I watched his lean, sexy, taller body stroll off in his distinctive step, and I followed, listening to the sweet words pouring from his lips, so naturally charming in the way he carried himself, myself bewitched.

I paused at a dark green shirt, captivated by the rich color. He came around, remarking, "Hey, I couldn't find anything over there." He saw the green shirt and he, too, paused, mesmerized. We both gazed at the shirt, a long moment of silence. "That's a nice color," he finally says. "Really? Don't you think it's a bit too...," I stop my words halfway, "If you say so." And I gave him a wide grin.

March 7:

A day had passed from the day he said he was going to call.

I called him.

"Hey Dan, you know, I'm thinking of stopping at a Master's too. I told you I didn't really like what I was doing, right? I think maybe I should stop. You mentioned you got a list of employment agencies around the country, didn't you? Can I get that from you?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Cool."

"Hey Aron, I was wondering, are you free tonight? Do you want to go out for some drinks?" He sounded enthusiastic.

"Yeah. Sounds good. What's the plan?" How could I refuse?

"I'll call you after work. I got to go in again tonight."

Ecstatic, my mood, uplifted instantly over the moon. 9:30 pm, I waited by the phone. He calls. "Hey I'm just finishing up over here. Why don't you join me at the restaurant."

He looked splendid in a white shirt, dark pants, and a nice tie. He was into ties. His Irish pale skin looked especially captivating in the nightlight. He must have been the cutest waiter this town had ever seen. We go off to another bar.

"You know, one of the reasons I'm having problems with my boyfriend is that he's being half-hearted about going to culinary school."

"He doesn't motivate me, you know."

"He's boring."

How gullible, how stupid I was, to be taken in by words said in moments such as these. Why did I not open my ears a little wider and hear the real words that were left unsaid: "I just need a little bit of time to work things out."

The night couldn't have sucked worse. I was trying to win him over, sensing his vulnerability. But heaven does not reward the pillager. The night, it must have heard the worst conversation in the world ever. But, under the pale lights, his lashes, his face, they were as beautiful as ever, just beautiful...

His boyfriend showed up. I don't think, not even today, that he's half as good-looking as Dan was. Then again, I don't think I am either.

What stress was Dan under now! Boyfriend and guy he cheated with, together at the same table! Credit to him that he was still as charming as ever. I didn't take his hints, however. I pushed and shoved, I demanded. Never will I do that, ever again.

The night ended sour, unresolved. We were both agitated, about to yell at each other. Finally: "You know, Aron, I called you out because I wanted to relax with you. Just be real, all right. Look, you need to go." He shook his head. "Call me." And I was still being stupid.

March 8:

I called him. Too quick, too soon.

"Dan, I couldn't sleep the whole of last night. Sorry I said all those things. Are you all right?"

"I'm all right, Aron. I found out he followed me. He did that once. And he did it again last night." I detected anger and frustration in his voice. Then it softened. "You know, we talked till 4 in the morning again."

"I'm sorry."

"It's all right. It wasn't you."

"You free tonight?"

"No, I need a break from all this, you know. I'm going out to have drinks and maybe smoke some tonight -- won't be coming home."

"Ok..."

What followed was too painful for me to recount, I'm even forgetting some of the details. But I remember clearly at the end, I suggested something really inappropriate, something I will never ever again do in my life, ever again.

March 9:

Dan called.

"Aron, I was thinking. We shouldn't hang out anymore. I need to get myself out of this shit, you know."

Complete, utter ruin. "I understand." I was choking back the tears. "I don't regret it, don't regret it at all." Why did I even say that? Why? I still don't know.

"Aron, you're a cool guy, ok?"

March 20:

His facebook profile had said "Relationship status: It's complicated". Then today, it said "Relationship status: Single".

Still he never called.

April 12:

Still he never called. I sent him an email. I was completely sincere. Completely totally, I may have lied before about my real intentions just to make myself feel better, but one thing I am sure, I really meant this email to be my heartfelt words, said and done. I encouraged him to stop smoking, wished him luck. Wanted to say some words before he left so I wouldn't have any regrets.

April 13:

Reply. "Thanks for thinking of me."

"Maybe we could hang out sometime."

"I ended it with my boyfriend, and for good. Gave him his dog and key back. Just needed some closure."

"Thanks for thinking of me again."

"Let me know if you want to hang out."

April 17:

"I need to get a shirt and pants for a conference next weekend. Could use your great dress sense. How about Saturday?"

Reply. "Sounds good. Would love to offer my expertise."

April 22:

We went out. I asked him what his plans were for the summer, when he was leaving town. He gave me a rundown of his plans to go back home for a short while, then visit his friends all over the country, before coming back in August to pack and leave for good.

"Where are you heading to, in August?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said, and added as an afterthought, "Maybe Portland."


He was still as charming as ever. Still as handsome. Still that wonderful voice. He flirted with me. I flirted with him. We talked dirty. He made sweet comments about how nice my ass was. Always had a nice ass, I know.

"I'm sorry I got in the way with Jon."

"No, don't be. It wasn't you. I should have broken up with him long ago. You know, we broke up once last August, and then the second time in October, but I don't know, we just got back again. He's like a kid. I should have ended it with him long ago." He was shaking his head as he spoke.

"Hey, I'm having lunch with a friend at 3. I need to get back soon." I let him go, I didn't want to hold him back if he wanted our meeting to be a short affair.

"Do you want to hang out again, soon? I'll call you."

April 26:

Feeling wretched, uncertain, wondering what the hell was happening to me, and between us, and what his intentions were, I told him I needed to tell him some good news, that I was going to be his good friend always, whatever happens, that I didn't want any more guesswork between us.

"I assumed so all along," he says, rather nonchalantly, "that we were going to be good friends."

"I hope you're sincere about this. I don't want you to be saying this because you're nice," I manage to say.

"I am. I am a genuine person. I am not from fucking Indiana."

I smile.

At some point, lost in my own confusion, thoughts and emotions, I heard him say, as if only to console me, "I like you."

"I like you a lot." It sounded terribly sincere.

As a friend, of course. With a nice butt, maybe attractive enough to be a fuck buddy while he was still single. But nothing else, nothing else. I didn't know at the time, how could I have.

May 6:

We met as agreed upon earlier. It was his last night at the restaurant. He kept me waiting, the patrons left later than usual. But I knew even after the last customer left, he still didn't call, I swung by the restaurant just to look. I know, I was completely hooked. Finally I call him. It was nearly midnight.

"Hey Dan, are you tired? We could hang out some other time if you are."

"No, no, I'm fine. Are you?" His voice was soft and sweet, as always.

"A little." I decide to be straight about it.

He was having a great time with his co-workers at the restaurant, drinking some leftover wine. I join him at the bar counter, I tried to be cool and funny.

He was so sweet, yeah he was, as always. As usual, we spoke in soft, flirtatious tones to each other. He liked being like that, it was his natural charm; I loved that I could flirt with him, of course.

We went back to his apartment. We flirted, looked each other lovingly in the eyes, sat close to each other, batting eyelids, tried to chat. I felt his pull, ever so strongly. He tried to kiss me, I moved away.

"Why were you close to tears when I said those things to you the other day?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing, just that I was leaving, you know." He replied, casually, sweetly as always.

"Were you thinking about someone you loved, your first love, maybe?" I hazarded.

"Uh-uh. I wasn't."

"No? Have you fallen in love with anyone before?" I wondered aloud.

"Uh-uh. I don't think I've really been in love with anyone. Hmmm, maybe Jon, for a little while." He shrugged his shoulders.

"I want you to stay over tonight."

We cuddled up, naked. It wasn't going to be sex yet. I didn't want it. But somehow I found myself caressing his smooth, naked butt. I climbed atop him, and finally we kissed, our tongues moving over each other like two copulating snakes. He grabbed me, pulled me over, and tongued me even harder. Our bodies moved in rhythm. It was wild and passionate. He was really hot.

"Can I fuck you if I wear a condom?" He asked in the heat of passion.

"I don't know, Dan, I'm not good at this."

May 7:

I tried to ask him on the drive back to where I left my car what his plans were, once again. This time he mentioned he was going to leave the following Monday, like what he had told me the other day.

"After that?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Are you still gonna go to Florida, San Francisco?" I persisted.

"Yeah."

"And you'd be back after that, and then?" I went on.

"I don't know."

"I meant, like you'd be back to pack everything up, right? Do you know when?" I was naive.

"That's what I meant, I don't know, I really don't know."


We parted. In the same physical circumstances, just like the morning after the first night we met. But this time, there was no promise, no afterwards. There was only my brimming emotions, about to burst from the dam, and the charming, almost casual way he wanted to say goodbye, as always. He wanted to give me a hug, nothing more, nothing less, just a hug, and send me off. I knew it was going to be the last, for a long, long time, forever, maybe. I stupidly clung on, trying to prolong the moment. I gave him the graduation gift I had made, a very simple one, a piece of Victoria's Secret with the word "believe" written over in the five languages we spoke. I refused the hug, I couldn't handle it.

He tried to soften the tense moment, by saying something nice.

"When are you going home?" He offered. We talked about going there together before.

"I am thinking of doing that sometime next year. But I don't know, you might have started on your job already."

"Hopefully." He said.

"You know, the first year is really important. Besides, you might have found someone you love."

"I'm not so sure about that." He shrugged his shoulders and looked ahead.


"I'll call you." He offered, then changed his tack. "Or why don't you call me? Like, in about a month."

"Would you kiss me?" I couldn't believe I asked that of him. He hesitated, almost shaking his head. "Please?" I looked at him imploringly. Why was I so fucking stupid and out of my mind again? Never again. Never again. He relented. "I love to do that tonguing action again." I said, trying to smile. He smiled back, being nice and casual the way he was always good at being. Our lips met and our tongues coiled together. It was too short. "A little bit more?" I pushed. Shit! Do I ever learn? He shook his head.

May 8:

I meet him again by chance at the pub, the very pub where we first met those months ago. He was with friends from the foreign languages department, a few others from elsewhere, and his boyfriend was there too.

How things come round in a full circle. This time, it was cold. A cold handshake, cold words, all delivered with a disarmingly cold smile.

Cold.

May 21:

Message on his profile:

"Felicitations... de vous vous installer avec _______!"

May 22:

"Dan is catching raindrops on his tongue in an attempt to forget the world."

May 23:

Profile updated:

"Relationship status: Married"

*********

It's half-past two in the morning, I'm still typing. My heart was beating really fast when I first saw the words "Married" appear. I did yet another stupid thing. I called him. Just now, and on Sunday. I never do learn, do I? Of course, he never picked up. Yet it's bizarre, but the torrent of tears I was expecting didn't arrive. The tears came, a few times, but only in small spurts. Maybe at some point, I will realize the immense reality and the floodgates will open, or maybe I'm past the point, I'm over all the crying, all those weeks and months ago, I've gone through all sorts and imagined all I could, and all the tears have run dry.

Maybe I'm more lucid now that the story of my life has come to this point. Perhaps the story was always going to turn out this way, that they were going to end up together, maybe I hastened the process, or inadvertently let him realize certain things, or maybe it didn't really matter. Everyday, it seems more and more to me like I'm living the life of a character that someone decided to write in an obscure, insignificant novel. I still don't know if the writer ended the story here today, but if he did, then I would be able to reclaim my own life and live it the way I have decided to. I'm still unable to fathom how much I have been affected and changed my life because of one man. And now that the story has ended so abruptly, only just after I have decided to begin on a new life, I feel at once all the different feelings one would feel at these moments.

Somehow I have no desire to analyze things anymore. I may have been stupid, and did some very stupid things between now and then, but I did it out of my genuine feelings. I could apologize but maybe there's no need to. I could wonder about the future, but history has proven that all that I analyzed turned out to be wrong. Someday I may be really able to let everything go, and truly honor the promise to be good friends, but as the saying goes, it takes two hands to clap -- I'm not sure I know where my hand is, let alone his.

Perhaps some things will never change, like how much I gave, and how much I gave up, or how much I picked up in the process, and how much I learned and experienced. Other things might, after a while. There are things I know for sure happened, other things I am not so sure now, maybe they were just my imagination, and the rest, never at all.

But feelings are bizarre. I liked him because of our similar interests, dreams, how he seemed to complete me, but maybe it was only for his looks. Why did he like Jon? I don't know, perhaps it was the other things he was looking for, the other interests of his I didn't know about, the other dreams I didn't hear about, how Jon completed him, maybe they shared commonalities that I didn't, maybe they shared memories he couldn't ever forget, maybe it was the passion they had, the great sex, that somehow was lacking between us. There are just so many facets, just when you thought everything was right, perhaps, there were other things.

I can only continue doing I feel is right, in measured amounts, and never stupidly again.

Passion

Monday, May 22, 2006

Funny sexy little nippy

"Dan is catching raindrops on his tongue in an attempt to forget the world."

Smile. God, you are so sexy.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Things I would like to do

1. Find a job
2. Complete my research and thesis
3. Give some time and space between Dan and me for everyone's good

4. Make new friends
5. Hang out have fun with friends around me
6. Keep old friends

7. Read more books
8. Watch more movies
9. Listen to more music
10. Study more languages
11. Swim more
12. Go out more

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

What's your major?

Jared got me looking at this.

You scored as Linguistics. You should be a Linguistics major!

Linguistics

100%

Sociology

100%

Art

92%

Anthropology

92%

Biology

83%

Theater

83%

Philosophy

75%

English

75%

Journalism

75%

Psychology

67%

Engineering

58%

Dance

58%

Mathematics

58%

Chemistry

50%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

Friday, April 28, 2006

Jya na


I plan to put aside this blog for a short while from today.

Last night, I went to a banquet for the seniors who are graduating this May to receive an award for being Best Lab TA. I really enjoyed my time hanging out with the students and I made some great friends last night.

I didn't think this blog was going to become what it is today when I began writing. For me, this blog has eventually turned out to be a vivid expression of my innermost feelings, and has carried me through a great deal. Throughout the course, I have met many friends online who cared and understood, and I am really happy for it. I will continue visiting your blogs to keep in touch with all of you.

I am now ready to embark on the next step in my life. I want to channel my energies to the real life that I'm leading, to the many people around me I love and care about, to all the great friends that I've met and will meet, to the dreams that I dare to dream. I see the people who matter to me, strong and brave for themselves and for the people around them, and I want to be courageous for myself and for them, together with them.

The bright sunshine that's beckoning me to step out of the warm bed from beneath the soft, smooth sheets, I'm finally ready to meet it.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

A Song

There was a man,
His name was Dan,
Eyes twinkling, broadest smile, smiling
At me, his beautiful face, beaming
Happy.

Your beautiful eyes twinkling,
You smile the widest sweetest smile,
I see your sexy body,
Oh I wanna touch and feel your body,
I know you love the touch.

I hear your heart beating,
The beautiful heart beating away,
On this clear moonlit night,
I see you relaxed, carefree, bright,
Oh I realize everything's oh so nice.

I see your heart bleeding,
Tell me who it is,
I'll never, ever let you feel the pain again,
I'll kiss your wound with the gentlest kiss,
Soothe it with the sweetest song,
Mend it, tend it, let the green grass grow.

Grow,
Under the sunshine,
The sunshine I see on your beautiful face,
The sunshine I feel when I hang out with you,
The endless fun and laughter you provide me,
The warmth and joy you feel, I feel, we feel together,
It's so sweet, nothing else matters.

I can see it,
Under the warm sunshine that bathes you,
Under the bright city lights that shine,
Your beautiful face, your glittering eyes, your sweet smile,
Beaming across the sidewalks,
Of Atlanta, Austin, LA, San Francisco,
Making them glow, making men grow.

Oh I feel so happy,
Seeing you so happy tonight.
I really enjoyed myself this moonlit night,
I feel so sexy,
Because I see you so sexy.

I feel so sexy right now,
I'm going to take off my clothes,
Strip down to my underwear,
Right in front of you,
On this sidewalk (fuck the cops),
And dance a little jig,
Shake my little butt,
Make you happy, make you laugh.

Together we can dance to a few more delightful tunes,
Shaking our little butts together,
Enjoying this crazy carefree moment that we're together,
Ohhh!
Dance the little jig,
Shake our butts,
Laugh along,
Out on this sidewalk under the moon and the stars,
Beautiful warm night,
We have so much fun when we're together,
All those funny things we tell each other,
I want to hang out with you together,
It's cool to be friends happy forever.

Hey guys, I wrote this song that was singing in my heart this bright sunlit morning, he likes my fine little butt, I love shaking it for him, so we can shake our butts together have some happy times!

I've understood all along, it's my heart that I willingly, stupidly gave away, he never wanted it, he likes me as a friend and for my tight, round ass, probably that's it. But all the same, I feel happy being with him, because he's a great guy, hopefully shaking our butts together, having fun and forgetting our worries always. Takes some time for me to accept things the way they are, you know?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Fuck! I need to get back to having a sunny disposition


I used to be a pretty cheerful guy. Don't know what happened to me. Maybe I grew up too quickly one side of me, now the other side's trying to catch up.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I need to swear so bad right now to get it out of my system. Forgive me. I want to go back to being fun-loving. It's all fucking shit crap. Nobody's gonna like a moody guy. ~~~Urrrghhh!!!~~~ I wanna yell out loud, I wanna be lovely again!!!

Oh Shit!


It just fucking occurred to me... if you read the post about Dan below, and by some really horrible twist of fate, you know Dan, PLEASE don't tell him!

Shucks I should just go take it off...

Monday, April 24, 2006

There was a man whose name was Dan


Wednesday, Apr 26: I have chosen to rehabilitate this post that I deleted yesterday, after having first put it up two days ago. If you're a certain Dan, though I know you're most probably not, please first read the post above entitled "you have to do what's right". Dan: I know you will understand why I've put this up once again. The only way to begin a new life is to leave the old one behind, just like you and I are doing at this point in our lives. As if I haven't said it enough, I want you to know that I meant every word I said to you today. I'm looking forward to a life full of joy with you as a great friend.

I feel it's finally time that I gave Ned his real name back. Ever since I began writing about him on this blog, from the recount of the night we first met, the attraction, the connection, the promises, the excitement and insecurity I felt, to the second time, the words that came out wrong, my thoughts, my feelings, the third time and the realization, I've been hiding him behind a false name.

It wasn't entirely a fabrication, the name. It's uncanny but I seem to be able to recall vividly every small detail of all that happened between us, how it was when we exchanged phone numbers in his black truck before we parted the second day those months ago. I remember him playing around with the three letters in his name, NAD, NAD, NAD, and so the name, it never went away.

I don't think I have ever been so attracted to a guy at first sight, or felt so strongly that, with him, I'll live happily ever after. Oddly, it didn't take very long for me to find out. His eyes, his smile, his voice, the way he behaved. I could see the other Dan beneath the witty, funny guy on the exterior, the boy and the man with interests and dreams that resonated with mine. Together we spoke six languages and had a love for culture and travel. His dream was to apply his language skills in his career, mine was to eventually put aside the engineering work I'm doing, go back to studying more languages and to one day work in a non-profit organization.

He'd been here seven years. Too long, he kept saying. I knew nothing could hold him back, 25, eager to leave this depressing state of Indiana, to explore the world, to start a new life. Yet I knew, when we were talking about all the places in the world, when he asked me when we were going to visit the place I grew up, I said I'd take him there someday, he asked me really, and I said yes, I meant it and for that second he knew I meant it. I knew, when he told me he'd been to England, Ireland, France, Belgium, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Greece and Turkey, and I asked him if he'd show me all these places, he said yes, I asked really, and he nodded, I knew for that second, he really meant it and he knew I knew.

And so I knew that when he asked me if we wanted to hang out again soon, he really meant it for that second when he asked. But we both knew that he was leaving, beginning a new life far away, and when it comes my turn to leave, I wouldn't know where my job would take me. We both wanted it, but didn't know how much each other wanted it, couldn't tell each other how much we wanted it, and were afraid to want it. I'm happy, I now know it was possible between us, just that knowledge is enough for me to go on -- I'm so happy that there are tears in my eyes right now.

I don't know if I really want him to call. For the last two days, I've been checking my phone so often I've lost count of the number of times I've looked away in disappointment. I tell myself, whatever he does, if he's happy, I'm happy. I promise him in my heart, I wouldn't make things difficult for him when he leaves. I remind myself, that there's no other time than now to be selfless with one's feelings. But when it's time for him to finally leave, I don't know if I would really be able to handle it. He belongs elsewhere, in a big city far away, to somebody else out there.

Today, I couldn't hold myself back from driving by his place on my way home. He lives in the upstairs of a house on a cheerless street, which somehow looked fine to me just a few days ago. The window to the living room was open, and his dog was out on the low roof across the front of the house, laying there languid with her head resting quietly on the tiles, a beautiful border collie with long, soft, black and white fur. I suddenly remember that he and I both love dogs, and that we were talking about taking her out canoeing and swimming in the river. As I went by, there was a loud rumble from a vehicle behind me, and she turned her head immediately to look, all of a sudden coming alive. I wondered then, does she wait faithfully for her master every day at this time of the evening, out on the roof just wishing for him to return, coming alive at the rumble of a truck?

I've never been one to believe in astrology until he mentioned he was a Gemini. Gemini the twins, the sign of the storyteller, the communicator. Talented in speech, bright, witty, charming, and spontaneous, the artist, the writer, the interpreter. And I was a Libra. Libra the scales, the sign of the diplomat and the ditherer. Romantic, idealistic, refined, easy-going, charming and in love with love. Gemini the twins, of dual personalities, restless, fickle. Libra the scales, changeable, dreamy, frivolous. Do you know what they say in the books about the relationship between a Gemini and a Libra? Sublime.

A human face


What is it like to blog? Many lives, many more reasons, and perhaps more than just a few commonalities.

"But in parallel with this grim experience, there is a separate writing life in the blog, revealing her inner-life, giving her a voice as Wandering Scribe - a process which has allowed her to reach out from her parked car to a global audience."

"It's often powerfully written, giving a human face to anonymous suffering, talking about her childhood, her sense of rejection and her struggle to regain her confidence and self-respect."

"There is also a close-up view of the daily struggle of homelessness - the fears of sleeping in her car, her small victories in keeping warm, how she cleans her hair in hospital showers and gets discount food in staff canteens."

"This blog has produced its own regular readership - people who e-mail when its author doesn't post the next instalment. And she says that the blog has become an attempt to "keep me sane, and in a way to start to reach out". "

"The blog's anonymity is also part of this modern tale. As with any such online journal, there's an ambiguity about its origin. One can't see the author, or even know her real name."

"There have been e-mails questioning whether this blog is a media "project", rather than a genuine account of homelessness - a charge she wearily rejects."

"In her blog this weekend, she wrote: "Some people see you struggling and want your complete downfall, living in my car is not bad enough, they want me on the streets completely, in every sense. I feel that.""

Check out the full article at the BBC website.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

You're killing me softly


I know I can't fight the tide. The fatalistic in me has even prepared his parting speech.

But I wonder, will you give us both a chance?

I want to let you know that whatever you do, if you're happy, I'm happy. And I promise I won't make things difficult for you when you leave.

Bad grammAr is kinda cute... bad spelling too!



For Ryan & Mike, happy Sunday!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Flowers for Algernon


Looking back, I don't think I'll have any regrets.

It was shorter than I thought it'd be. Perhaps he wasn't sure how it'd work out, how much he wanted to be with me, or maybe he didn't want it at all. We went to Ayres to pick out a shirt and pants for a conference I'm attending in Tucson next week. He always had great dress sense. I tried on this sassy-looking shirt with alternating dark stripes that fit really well. He liked it. I liked it. After that I tried on this pair of charcoal pants that went totally well with the shirt. I liked them. He liked them. I took him to Barnes and Noble. I showed him the travel guide full of pictures of the place where I grew up. He liked it a lot. I was happy he liked it. I asked him to show me the place where he grew up. It wasn't particularly interesting, but I felt very happy he shared it with me.

The first night we met, we plunged right into sex and never really knew each other. Today, we talked a lot more than we ever did. We talked about our plans for the future, what we liked. I wasn't wrong about him at all. We do indeed have common interests, common dreams. Not often, a connection.

At the end of it, he asked me if I wanted to hang out again soon. I'm really happy he asked. I am clear of the fact that in this really bizarre circumstance of a false-start to something between us that could be happening, I've been and will continue to be the one shouldering much more of the emotional burden -- completely aware of my feelings yet totally uncertain as to whether I'm but a cameo appearance to him. But whereas I might have been naive before, I know what it really takes now. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I know he knows how I feel, so I have to do my best not to place any burden upon him. We both understand that because of our individual situations, we have to be extra careful where we tread. Because of the short time that we can possibly have together, I have to be truly selfless for us to live the joy of it, and for neither of us to get hurt at the end of it. I don't know what's going to happen, or if he's really going to call, but I'm glad he's trying.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Sweet Boys


Rob's interview on best gay blogs (Apr 20) is so sexy. I must say, I am partial towards French guys, irrationally so.

Did you make it to the milky way


I'm all braced for tomorrow. I've exhausted all scenarios and been through all sorts of feelings the last few days. Now I'm ready and over it.

I just want to enjoy my time with Ned tomorrow, that's all I ask for.

Oh yeah, my new Speedos arrived today!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I'm fifteen for a moment





Deux







These are great photographs, if you can tell me whose works they are. At least some of them are by Howard Roffman. Black and whites are so erotic.

Tell me did you sail across the sun

It's Thursday and I'm going crazy already. What the hell is happening to me? I think of him going to bed, when I'm half awake in the morning the thoughts so surge in my mind I can't stop my heart from racing. I think about him fixing breakfast, in the shower, on the way to school, in class, at work, after school, dinnertime, before going to bed.

There's hardly anybody I can tell without them staring at me pitifully. Saturday for those hours it will be pure heaven, Sunday I'll be in utter ruin. He's leaving, he's leaving, he'll only be taking your heart away and never coming back with it. And I let myself into this insanity, this surrealism, because I just want to see him, to hear his voice, to talk to him, and be near him.

I tell myself, be cool, be cool, be real, just enjoy the times, but how the hell do I do that? I have to bottle these feelings up, for I can't let him know, because surely he can sense it already. I feel so unreal right now.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My newest blog buddy


Phoenix, at arising anew is my newest blog buddy. Can you guess where he lives and goes to school? Fuck yeah, West Lafayette and Purdue! The shot above you see of the beautiful white streaks in the purple sky, I took from my car while waiting for the light to turn driving home at dusk (8:35!) today. That's for you, P.



To Sue: You were asking about the flowers last week. I'm proud to report that I have absolutely no clue what they are, except they smell like what my fuck buddy's ass would smell like. Some dude whinged about the smell in the campus newspaper last Spring (yeah they write about crap here), apparently he didn't know anything about asses. If you can tell what kind of flowers they are from the close-up, that's wonderful. Btw, just barely two weeks and the flowers are mostly withered now, the shot of the same row of trees was taken last week.

Finally a shot of springtime sunbathing for memories sake, also taken last week. School is out in a week and seems like everyone's partying and sunbathing even more this week than last. I probably should go take some more pics early Friday afternoon, the high point of sunbathing. Oh yeah some frat houses set up crazy water slides and such playthings for their merriment, I just need a real good vantage point. I betcha the entire student body would be out on the lawns next week. Too bad they wall the grass in concrete here too much. I miss California!

Tell me did you fall for a shooting star


Sometimes I think life is a little too crazy.

Saturday I'll be seeing Ned. It's likely that this will be the last time I'll ever see him. I don't know if it'd be better for me to try to forget him from today, though I know I wouldn't be able to. I don't think I'll ever find out the real reason why I sent him the note. Was it because I want the best for him, and that I didn't want to regret someday not saying the things I should have said?

There's no doubt I feel immensely happy whenever I'm with him. I'm unable to resist the desire to feel that happiness again, however shortlived it will be. I'll have to try my hardest to forget all these feelings I'm having today, and just enjoy every moment, for the moment, with Ned when we meet. I've willingly put myself on the line knowing I may once again relive the hell I lived.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Drops of Jupiter


It wasn't so long ago to the night that Ned and I met. I can still recall vividly the moment he walked in to our table at the pub, how for that whole time we were there my gaze never left him. How, as I learned more and more about the person he was, the more and more I felt he was a guy who completed me.

It isn't often that physical attraction and emotional connection interlock with effortlessness. Rare that the same attraction and connection was felt on both ends.

It wasn't possible between Ned and I. He was coming out of a relationship and was ready to leave. The day everything came crashing down.

I sent Ned an e-mail recently. I needed to tell him what I had to before he left. He replied, suggesting we hang out. I felt myself sucked into the web once again. I was utterly powerless to say no. In my mind, I asked myself over and over again: What good will seeing him do? I was only putting myself on the line for more pain. Yet I found myself helpless, helpless in stemming the tidal wave of my emotions, of my desire to see him again, a desire I was afraid would only lead to sorrow.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Some bloggers live


Just wanted to put on record the existence of some really amusing bloggers. There's u got gay, which I mentioned in passing several weeks ago. And there's someone in a tree, who's been on my list for some time. He just introduced me to joel derfner, aka faustus MD, hilarious dude. All three are wonderfully talented in their language. Oh yeah, how could I have missed out spencer. Do you know he's actually got three blogs??? Lord, go check them out!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Someone Else's Life


Decided tonight to bring browsing through Dan's blogroll to a close, I discovered yet another blog that left me misty-eyed. Ethan's