if you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two impostors just the same

2008 Wimbledon men's final, what a magical night.

tender breeze evening caress

Allez Gasquet.

This is my land

son revers

I like Gasquet's tennis very much, and I absolutely love his backhand. Hope he does better.

Like a Dolphin Loves the Ocean

Soldier's Girl

Pfc. Barry Winchell...Calpernia

Another site...sldn

Supa Bola!

What drama & Excitement!

Farewell, Heath

St Croix Diary Part II

Today I head back home from St Croix. I am once again at the Deep End. This morning's swim was good. I think I'm really getting better at swimming.

I wish to log this entry because I am seeing a hot dude in front of me here déjà. I had that same feeling of revisitation when I spotted him. A month ago, I saw him walking in Christiansted with a backpack on his shoulders. Then as I was brunching at the Deep End, this very Deep End, the next day, he came by with a friend for a quick drink. He was and still is handsome. I wish I had a picture of someone like him in my files to show. There he is at the bar tending it. Bartending is probably one of the jobs that I've long dreamt about trying, more so especially now, though I don't think I ever would, you know. I'd be too distracted by men :-).

St Croix can be really pretty sometimes. I know this may sound like sacrilege to people who love the island, but oh well. This morning was one such pretty morning. The sun was bright, the breeze was cool, and there were a few lovely white fluffy clouds floating in the blue sky. The hills were especially green. I drove down to Christiansted and took a short walk around the fort.

P.S. I think most men who are good-looking know they're good-looking. Stuff they say about guys not knowing how good-looking they are just seems unbelievable to me.

St Croix Diary

My job requires or allows me, depending on your point of view, to travel down here to St. Croix every now and then, about one or two weeks a month currently. I am down on this island again tonight. St. Croix is an enigma for me. I am excited the first few days and nights I am here. It never fails to be a welcome change from the humdrum of long, tiring workdays in Maryland. But by the end of the week, I want to go home. Island paradise it may or may not be.

I am sitting at the Deep End Bar writing this while gulping down a crab and cabbage spring roll. The waitress who meant to serve me initially saw me swimming in the big, bright pool before dinner. I was doing flip turns and swimming as hard and fast as I could. She asked me if that was what I did when I'm down here and said she and her friend were in the swim team and were watching me. I said yeah, that's what I do when I'm down here -- it gives me a workout.

What I didn't tell her, the water was cold tonight. What I didn't tell her was that I swim all the time. I swim every day, almost. Sometimes I'm tired from work or kept from swimming by work, and don't swim as hard. And it's about the only sport I do now. No friends exist in Maryland to hit tennis balls with. Swimming alone keeps me company.

What I didn't ask her was, was I good? Where did you swim? I never did ask her. Instead I must have appeared reserved and reluctant to make conversation. In fact, I definitely did. Was it because I was uncomfortable with speaking loudly in a very public place so everyone would hear what I say? Or was it because I was afraid to admit that I was working here, that I'm always here alone? Maybe it was the fact that I'm afraid to admit my conflicted emotions about... about what, about many things in my life that I've had too much opportunity to think about, being alone most of the time now. No, I've become rather afraid of talking with strangers now, afraid to let them know I'm a pathetic foreign misfit in a land that I almost cease to exist but for my own little world.

The wind is blowing strong now. This bar is right beside the ocean and tonight, at this time of year, the wind is gusting up strong from the northeast. It seems to want to sweep away all my thoughts. But all my thoughts remain bottled up in my head and pouring onto this diary. All around me, soft romantic little golden bulbs light up the wonderful, wispful, festive, northern music playing soothingly on the deck. I see groups of people, friends saying goodbye, the waitress talking with all her friends who seem to be here at the restaurant tonight.

Strange this is not the first time all this seems to be happening to me.

Whenever I think like this, I feel like jumping into the pool again to swim away all my thoughts. Not only those thoughts, but everything. I'm working hard and soon they will change!

Before all this happened though, I was out looking for groceries. Why do I say "looking"? Because I didn't find any? The vegetables looked limp and the meat clunky. I am inspired to become a good cook by Jamie Oliver. Did you see his new book, "Cook with Jamie"? I remember when I was about 17, I took a 700-question "What is your career?" test, and the one and only result that came out from it was "chef"!
Did you know it belongs in one of the many dreams I'm dreaming?

But of course, I didn't find anything resembling Jamie on this island. Though another curious thing, perhaps of note, happened while I was at Pueblo. A cute 20-something white guy suddenly appeared in front of me (and then was gone in a flash). He was rather tall and had a short buzz cut. He looked extremely familiar but as soon as I saw him, an odd feeling came over me, as acute as his appearance was sudden. Where had I seen him? Was it back in Maryland? Was it in a picture, one of the many cute guys I see in pictures all over the web? Was it a ghost from the past coming back to haunt me? Then I realized he worked at the refinery, one of the cute ones. He had a funny naughty sly look about him, as some cute ones can be. As is the guy sitting across at the other table right now. Older, but cute, and naughty-looking.

It's not just naughty-looking, but like the type you would loathe. And they're here for the refinery, like me, but they must like it better? How could they? To me, it's great only in comparison with what goes on back at the office.

Last thought for the night: I really want to finish up the "goals" list a few notches down.



P.S. Nights are silent in the northern winter, but nights are alive with the cries of insects in the tropics.

(December 14, evening: At the Deep End, the guitarist is playing and singing, and I hear the waves crashing and feel the ocean breeze.)

Love

An autumn night on East College

Wide-eyed wondering

Some time ago, I wrote these goals down. What has become of them? Over the next few days, I shall write about them, and also write down my new goals.

From March 16, 2007:

Short-term goals

- Read at least one book at least four nights each week (at least half an hour each night - starting tomorrow)
I have been reading many books. I love books.
- Keep up on current affairs by reading and watching the news, programs/shows on TV (starting next week - at least one hour each week)
- Watch interesting movies on my Netflix once a week (starting next week)
- Devote four hours each week studying languages (starting next week)
- Start more constructive swim training, with Matt's help (if he is willing) (within this month)
- Discover the arts with John (within the next two months)
- Find out about harmonicas (for the next two months)
- Read "Successful Dog Adoption" and visit animal shelters (three to six months)
- Find out more about organizations to join to make new friends (two to six months)
- Travel to Europe in May (two months out)

Medium-term goals

- Try out one organization by the middle of summer (July 15 - in four months)
- If successful, stick with it. If not, try out another by end of summer (September 15 - in six months). Keep trying at least one every two months if not successful.
- Bonus goal (give myself a pat on the back if I can make this): Try to see if I can join a second organization. (by year's end)
- Visit my friends in Purdue (by end of summer)
- Perform more than adequately at work (everyday)
- Take stock of life by end of summer and think about medium-term goals again

Long-term goals

- Go home and see my parents and old friends! (By summer of 2008)
- Think about career paths, what other careers that are interesting and meaningful to me that I really have a passion for, especially that I don't consider making money a big goal, so more time off to travel to places, back home, visit friends would be ideal. (two years)
- Maintain friendship with Dan, if destiny permits (two years)

Other lesser goals

- Put a real picture up on my myspace, facebook, and blogger, and link them. (By the third month of my joining an aquatics club!)

Icelandia

By Peggy Mihelich
CNN

REYKJAVIK, Iceland (CNN) -- Iceland may be best known for world-famous musical export Bjork but there's a new star quickly gaining this island nation worldwide acclaim -- clean energy.

For more than 50 years Iceland has been decreasing its dependence on fossil fuels by tapping the natural power all around this rainy, windswept rock of fire.

Waterfalls, volcanoes, geysers and hot springs provide Icelanders with abundant electricity and hot water.

Virtually all of the country's electricity and heating comes from domestic renewable energy sources -- hydroelectric power and geothermal springs.

It's pollution-free and cheap.

Yet these energy pioneers are still dependent on imported oil to operate their vehicles and thriving fishing industry.

Iceland's geographic isolation in the North Atlantic makes it expensive to ship in gasoline -- it costs almost $8 a gallon (around $2 a liter).

Iceland ranks 53rd in the world in greenhouse gas emissions per capita, according to the Carbon Dioxide Information Analysis Center -- the primary climate-change data and information analysis center of the U.S. Department of Energy.

Retired University of Iceland Professor Bragi Arnason has come up with a solution: Use hydrogen to power transportation. Hydrogen is produced with water and electricity, and Iceland has lots of both.

"Iceland is the ideal country to create the world's first hydrogen economy," Arnason explains. His big idea has earned him the nickname "Professor Hydrogen."

Arnason has caught the attention of General Motors, Toyota and DaimlerChrysler, who are using the island-nation as a test market for their hydrogen fuel cell prototypes.

One car getting put through its paces is the Mercedes Benz A-class F-cell -- an electric car powered by a DaimlerChrysler fuel cell. Fuel cells generate electricity by converting hydrogen and oxygen into water. And fuel cell technology is clean -- the only by-product is water.


"It's just like a normal car," says Asdis Kritinsdottir, project manager for Reykjavik Energy. Except the only pollution coming out of the exhaust pipe is water vapor. It can go about 100 miles on a full tank. When it runs out of fuel the electric battery kicks in, giving the driver another 18 miles -- hopefully enough time to get to a refueling station. Filling the tank is similar to today's cars -- attach a hose to the car's fueling port, hit "start" on the pump and stand back. The process takes about five to six minutes.

In 2003, Reykjavik opened a hydrogen fueling station to test three hydrogen fuel cell buses. The station was integrated into an existing gasoline and diesel station. The hydrogen gas is produced by electrolysis -- sending a current through water to split it into hydrogen and oxygen. The public buses could run all day before needing refueling.

The bus project lasted three years and cost around $10 million.

The city will need five refueling stations in addition to the one the city already has to support its busy ring road, according to Arnason. The entire nation could get by on 15 refueling stations -- a minimum requirement.

Within the year, 30-40 hydrogen fuel-cell cars will hit Reykjavik streets. Local energy company employees will do most of the test-driving but three cars will be made available to The Hertz Corp., giving Icelanders a chance to get behind the wheel.

"I need a car," says Petra Svenisdottir, an intern at Reykjavik Energy. Svenisdottir, 28, commutes to work from her home in Hafnarfjorour to Reykjavik. The journey takes her about 15 minutes if she can beat traffic. "If I didn't have a car I would have to take two or three buses and wait at each bus stop to arrive at work more than an hour later, cold and wet!"


Most Icelanders drive cars, says Arnason. Around 300,000 people live in a place about the size of the U.S. state of Kentucky. Transportation is limited to cars, buses and boats. "Everyone has a car here," Arnason says. And it's very typical for an Icelandic family to own two cars. Arnason drives a small SUV.

Fuel cell cars are expected to go on sale to the public in 2010. Carmakers have promised Arnason they will keep costs down and the government has said it will offer citizens tax breaks.

He figures it will take an additional 4 percent of power to produce the hydrogen Iceland would need to meet its transportation requirements.

Once Iceland's vehicles are converted over to hydrogen, the fishing fleet will follow. It won't be easy because of current technological limits and the high cost of storing large amounts of hydrogen, but Arnason feels confident it can happen. He predicts Iceland will be fossil fuel free by 2050.

"We are a very small country but we have all the same infrastructure of big nations," he said. "We will be the prototype for the rest of the world."

garçon

tranquille

Hirosaki


Beziers

do you want to see

Big Brother is watching us all

By Humphrey Hawksley
BBC News, Washington

The US and UK governments are developing increasingly sophisticated gadgets to keep individuals under their surveillance. When it comes to technology, the US is determined to stay ahead of the game.

"Five nine, five ten," said the research student, pushing down a laptop button to seal the measurement. "That's your height."

"Spot on," I said.

"OK, we're freezing you now," interjected another student, studying his computer screen. "So we have height and tracking and your gait DNA".

"Gait DNA?" I interrupted, raising my head, so inadvertently my full face was caught on a video camera.

"Have we got that?" asked their teacher Professor Rama Challapa. "We rely on just 30 frames - about one second - to get a picture we can work with," he explained.

Tracking individuals

I was at Maryland University just outside Washington DC, where Professor Challapa and his team are inventing the next generation of citizen surveillance.

They had pushed back furniture in the conference room for me to walk back and forth and set up cameras to feed my individual data back to their laptops.

Gait DNA, for example, is creating an individual code for the way I walk. Their goal is to invent a system whereby a facial image can be matched to your gait, your height, your weight and other elements, so a computer will be able to identify instantly who you are.


"As you walk through a crowd, we'll be able to track you," said Professor Challapa. "These are all things that don't need the cooperation of the individual."
Since 9/11, some of the best scientific minds in the defence industry have switched their concentration from tracking nuclear missiles to tracking individuals such as suicide bombers.

Surveillance society

My next stop was a Pentagon agency whose headquarters is a drab suburban building in Virginia. The Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency (Darpa) had one specific mission - to ensure that when it comes to technology America is always ahead of the game.

Its track record is impressive. Back in the 70s, while we were working with typewriters and carbon paper, Darpa was developing the internet. In the 90s, while we pored over maps, Darpa invented satellite navigation that many of us now have in our cars.

"We ask the top people what keeps them awake at night," said its enthusiastic and forthright director Dr Tony Tether, "what problems they see long after they have left their posts."

"And what are they?" I asked.

He paused, hand on chin. "I'd prefer not to say. It's classified."

"All right then, can you say what you're actually working on now."

"Oh, language," he answered enthusiastically, clasping his fingers together. "Unless we're going to train every American citizen and soldier in 16 different languages we have to develop a technology that allows them to understand - whatever country they are in - what's going on around them.

"I hope in the future we'll be able to have conversations, if say you're speaking in French and I'm speaking in English, and it will be natural."

"And the computer will do the translation?"

"Yep. All by computer," he said.

"And this idea about a total surveillance society," I asked. "Is that science fiction?"

"No, that's not science fiction. We're developing an unmanned airplane - a UAV - which may be able to stay up five years with cameras on it, constantly being cued to look here and there. This is done today to a limited amount in Baghdad. But it's the way to go."


Smarter technology

Interestingly, we, the public, don't seem to mind. Opinion polls, both in the US and Britain, say that about 75% of us want more, not less, surveillance. Some American cities like New York and Chicago are thinking of taking a lead from Britain where our movements are monitored round the clock by four million CCTV cameras.

So far there is no gadget that can actually see inside our houses, but even that's about to change.

Ian Kitajima flew to Washington from his laboratories in Hawaii to show me sense-through-the-wall technology.

"Each individual has a characteristic profile," explained Ian, holding a green rectangular box that looked like a TV remote control.

Using radio waves, you point it a wall and it tells you if anyone is on the other side. His company, Oceanit, is due to test it with the Hawaiian National Guard in Iraq next year, and it turns out that the human body gives off such sensitive radio signals, that it can even pick up breathing and heart rates.

"First, you can tell whether someone is dead or alive on the battlefield," said Ian.

"But it will also show whether someone inside a house is looking to harm you, because if they are, their heart rate will be raised. And 10 years from now, the technology will be much smarter. We'll scan a person with one of these things and tell what they're actually thinking."

He glanced at me quizzically, noticing my apprehension.

"Yeah, I know," he said. "It sounds very Star Trekkish, but that's what's ahead."

From Our Own Correspondent was broadcast on Saturday, 15 September, 2007 at 1130 BST on BBC Radio 4. Please check the programme schedules for World Service transmission times.

les dieux du stade

These days, I swim, read and learn. I don't feel lonely anymore. I earn money and I save money. Then I plan to go after my dreams.

Then there are beautiful men dancing in my mind.

My first real job

My first real job has given me a chance to live in America. This is a land where I'm free to lead my gayest life.
I'm learning a lot of things at this job. But I now know I have my dreams and they are elsewhere. When the time is right, I will leave it. I will go back to school and study what I really like!

Civilisations

I like playing the game "Civilizations III". It's the one and only electronic game I play. I imagine creating a beautiful country in the north, with glorious mountains, spectacular coastlines, and magnificent rivers and lakes. Great cities steeped in culture, built on awesome lands and linked by a remarkable network of roads abound. Tracing the civilisation through the passage of time, through the course of history, I gradually build my nations, nations of proud and happy folk.

After building nations for a while, I have stopped. I created two beautiful lands, proudly displayed below for all to see. Oh, the majestic, towering mountain ranges and the wild, wonderful coasts.

Jason

Ridgeline films is here. Nice to see!

By the Light

This morning a man walked up to me with a bucket that read, "Help feed women and children, Prov xx:xx" while I was at a stoplight. He asked if I wanted to "help spread the word of God".

I didn't really have a good answer for him then. But after thinking for a bit, I think I know what to say the next time! I'll say, with a smile, "Does the word of God include social equality for gay people?"

I wanted to help.

East End Bay, St Croix

I went skinny dipping today at a deserted bay at the east end of St Croix. Nobody was there! The sandy strip on the south shore of the island nearest to the pointed end, that's where I was. Tomorrow I may go to Jack or Isaac Bay, equally deserted beaches.

This trip to St Croix has been good. On the sidebar of this page, at the top, you can see some words I wrote today. I thought of them this morning.

I read my "Big Book of Jobs" on the pier deck this evening. I'm happy, I found my dreams again -- they were there, they were there.

Davis Bay

Davis Bay, St. Croix, July 29, 2007.

Europe, Tennis and Other Things

Had the most enriching journey of my life. Promise to tell you more about it.

Going for tennis lessons finally, soon. Has been the most exciting tennis period, Roland Garros, playing after a long hiatus, lessons in the near future, Wimby.

CNN's doing a special on Gay America. Read some comments and articles on their website. Will post my thoughts.

Jason Ridge and others (Kirk Ziegler, et al.)

My first post about porn (there has to be a first)! How it started: was checking Roids and Rants out several days ago, from a link on Tom in Paris (i.e., the coolest gay site of all). Roids and Rants is wicked. From there I checked out unzipped.net, titanmen.com, hothouse.com, josmanart.com, etc., and decided that Jason is the hottest cumshot boy outside of the pool, so here's a snapshot of him before I head for Cesky Krumlov and Roland Garros.

Keep a good thought

Keep a good thought.

Like a dream

Like a dream.

My mom said good things.

I'll let it go.

It's been a year since my posts from May 2006.

This blog's different than it was back then.

This is like a dream.

I don't write much here nowadays. I post a lot, but I write little. Don't tell anyone much, but told my mom and wrote my friend yesterday. This is like a dream. When will I wake up? It's true, really it is, I heard what was said, all those good things were said and I believed in good things. I believed in good things, and I really did. I wrote an email about good things, but maybe it wasn't right.

So I'll stop myself from writing good emails or making good phone calls. I'll send a postcard from Paris! I'll send a card at Christmas: "How are you? Haven't heard from you for some time. I'm doing fine here. Hope you are well."

Hope you are well. Maybe I'll let it go. Maybe I'll let it fly. Maybe it'll fly and soar. When do you think it'll fly high into the sky? See, I'll let it go, maybe we'll fly.

On this day, the thirteenth of May in the year two-thousand-and-seven, this is like a dream.

Here, take my hand.

My Life

My phoning danny didn't go well today.

Wished my mom a happy mothers' day, told her some of what happened.

Emailed a friend of mine. Wrote down all my thoughts! Was kinda crazy.

Cried.

Gratitude is not a substitute for passion

The coolest blog, Tom in Paris.

Funny is not a substitute for interesting.

I like this one

Very funny post: from Shades of Gray

"Good morning," he says.

"What time is it?"

"Almost 11:00"

"Shit. I have plans to meet someone for brunch at noon," I lie. That line flies out of my mouth almost too quickly. It's convincing. I remind myself to call my therapist the moment I make more money.

"Sorry, I gotta run."

"Do I get your number?"

"Sure," I say as I fish my clothes up from his floor. "Got a pen?"

He pulls out a color Blackberry, new, shiny, bells, whistles. It's the Cadillac of hand-held devices.

"They give that to all soldiers?" I joke. "I'm in the wrong business."

"I'm a doctor. Do you have to go so soon?"

"Yes," I say. "Before I find out you're Jewish and single."

So much to see so much to do

Just left a comment, you know sometimes some things and some people just inspire you, without their knowing or doing anything much really, to explore some of the dreams one put away, like Lucas and being a chef, Dan and languages, now gasquet, blogging and writing. But there's much to do, I got interests and many things I could be good in, that I haven't told you about. I'm really thinking some hardcore shit with my life now.

Going to, going to

Calling Danny in two days. Invented a horrifying scenario in the shower just now, of Danny and me. Cried.

So silly! I try, and I'm much better these days. Being brave, doing my best, discovering life and learning.

Traveling soon! To Roland Garros, to all the places.

Haitian survivors accuse Turks and Caicos officials of leaving them for dead

CAP-HAITIEN, Haiti: Survivors of a capsizing that killed at least 61 Haitian migrants said a Turks and Caicos patrol boat rammed them, towed them into deeper water and abandoned their overturned vessel.

"Our boat flipped over and they just left us out there," said Dona Daniel, 23, one of a half-dozen survivors interviewed by The Associated Press on Thursday after they were repatriated to Haiti from the nearby British territory.

The survivors said some migrants tried desperately to pull themselves aboard the patrol boat but were beaten back with wooden batons.

Others were run over by the patrol boat after they were flung into the shark-filled waters as their boat capsized, said Lovderson Nacon, 19.

Many of the migrants did not know how to swim and were screaming "God help me!" in the darkness, Nacon said.

The Haitians said their sailboat, loaded with an estimated 160 people, was minutes away from the shore of Providenciales, one of the Turks and Caicos Islands, on May 4 when the patrol boat rammed them before dawn.

"When they hit us the first time, water rushed into the boat and everybody screamed," Daniel said. The patrol boat crew ordered the migrants to lower their sails, threw them a line and began towing them into deeper water. The boat then capsized, he said.

"We thought they were bringing us to shore but they took us further out to sea," said Daniel, whose two brothers drowned.

Minutes after towing began, the migrants' boat jerked violently and tipped over, flinging everyone into the water, several survivors said.

"They were towing us but they pulled too hard and the boat flipped over," said another migrant, Marcelin Charles, 37. "We fell into the water and many people drowned. I was swimming past dead bodies left and right."

The Turks and Caicos government has said it will not comment until two investigations are completed. Britain's Foreign Office also declined to comment on the capsizing in its island territory. One probe is being conducted by the local government, and three government experts from Britain are carrying out an independent investigation.

The Turks and Caicos government has criticized Haiti for not doing enough to stem illegal migration. Some 400 Haitians arrive monthly in the British territory of 20,000, many having been duped by migrant smugglers into thinking they were being taken to the United States, officials say.

After being flown back to Cap-Haitien, Haiti's second-largest city, the migrants, wearing maroon T-shirts and athletic pants, were driven on a school bus to a gymnasium where about 100 relatives, many weeping, greeted them.

The relatives called out their loved ones' names, not sure if they had survived the worst disaster to hit Haitian migrants in years. More than a dozen are still missing and presumed dead.

Nacon said he was in the water for more than 15 minutes before a smaller Turks and Caicos patrol boat came out to pull survivors from the water. Other migrants said they were in the water for more than 40 minutes as they waited for the rescue boat to make a return trip.

"They heard us screaming so much, they finally came and helped us," Nacon said. "The people who knew how to swim lived. The people who didn't drowned."

At United Nations headquarters in New York, spokeswoman Michele Montas earlier Thursday described the capsizing as "a tragedy" and said "it could have been avoided." However Montas, a Haitian, said the U.N. had no further comment and that the issue was between the Turks and Caicos Islands and Haiti.

Jeanne Bernard Pierre, director-general of Haiti's National Migration Office, said Tuesday that the Haitian government would consider the ramming of a migrant boat to be a "criminal" act.

Iraq, Tony Blair

New take on the Iraq war: Read Wikipedia articles, beginning with this.

Three experts on Tony Blair

"Measured against the peace-time record of British prime ministers since the end of the First World War, few of whom achieved much, Mr Blair's premiership compares favourably."

"Before 11 September 2001, Tony Blair was set to go down in history as a second-division prime minister, one of those who stayed in power for a long time but without having any appreciable effect on the story of his times."

"The verdict of history on all Prime Ministers as they leave office is hotly disputed, but few in modern British history have been subject to so much departing hostility as Tony Blair."

Rambutans and food

Your hairy red balls, courtesy bally.


Carrot cake

Gasquetaire

Found a cool blog on Richard.

Gasquetaire's tennis universe.

The Swimmer Salute

The cute, blond lifeguard at the pool likes Matt! Looks at Matt, talks to him. I think it's part of the swimmer salute. By the way, Matt is one hell of a crazy guy. Signed up for five triathlons.

I know what to do!

I know what to do!

Deciding against it for now