The boy that is me

Today I sent an email to Dan. I wrote it with all my heart. As best as I could, I gave him my few words of encouragement. I felt like I was softly floating on a fluffy cloud for a few moments after that.

I told my co-worker Kim that I've decided on adopting a golden retriever from the shelter after all. She loves dogs too, so I told her she could be my dog's godmother in the future. Tomorrow we're thinking of hitting the bar for a Friday evening drink or two. Looking forward to that!

Went swimming twice today. I know, I'm going a little over the top with the swimming. Tonight, Matt showed me the thumb drag drill. Katie, the chatty lifeguard, helped me too. I had a fun time. At one point, though, my fears and insecurities took over me momentarily and I burst into silly laughter. I got the funny look from Matt. It's me the silly, insecure boy who ends up behaving oddly because he's trying too hard to be cool, funny.

So I tell myself and everyone here, those goals I set for myself earlier don't mean a thing if I don't face up to the rocks that are really pulling me down, and those rocks are my fears and insecurities. And what are they? I fear loneliness, and I'm totally insecure about the way I look. I fear losing the things in my life, so I don't relax and chill, and I'm self-conscious about my own behavior. Funny those happens most acutely in the company of good-looking men. Tonight I own up here, and from tonight I shall not let those fears and insecurities overtake me again.

Also, I want to own up to two incidents that I have been hiding. The first happened when I was in Berkeley. I was still a closeted guy back then. I followed a really good-looking dude around (yeah, stalked him) and took pictures of him just to look at them afterwards. But very soon I was caught and confronted on the streets. It's long ago, but I remember him demanding, "Are you fucking gay?" To which I replied, "Are you homophobic?" Thanks to the times that we live in and to all the good gay guys who sacrificed themselves before my time, I saw a look of embarrassment on his face. The naive boy in me kept wanting to explain that I meant no harm at all, I was but a poor little obsessed fool who couldn't find an outlet for his gay love.

The second incident happened some time ago, just before I finally came out. Again it was a question of misplaced admiration. Long story short, I said to this really hot dude that I really wanted to suck his cock right now. Of course he got totally livid. At the time, I only saw that I was just being honest, and I wanted to know really badly why straight men should get upset. After all, I didn't mean it in any bad way at all.

So starting from tonight, from now on, I shall hold my head high and slowly untie the bind to those fears and insecurities. When you see my picture up on this page, you'd know I've finally made it.

As you know, I'm really into swimming, so I'm going to be working on those drills and more, and really learn as much as I can. Also, today I got a reply to a note I sent to someone so I'm delighted. Watch me, I feel like I'm finally starting to break away from the bad things plaguing me. Watch me, I shall swim on! I'm free, free from those horrid things!