Shifting Sands

This picture is a contribution from Kurt in Munich, Germany.

Sometimes a few memories of mine that have been consigned to the deeper recesses are dug up by visiting Jared's blog. If you recall, Jared wrote about some of his growing-up memories recently. Just a minute ago, I was reading his post about the e-mails he has gotten from younger guys seeking advice on their struggles with the repression they feel having to conceal their sexuality.

Once in a while, memories of things buried years ago flood back all of a sudden. Today I was just thinking about the house on Ensenada that I lived in with 4 good friends in my senior year. I remember taking shots of the facade, with the beautiful blue flowers that bloom for a few weeks in early April, but I've forgotten where I've placed those pictures. I also remember the times we had, like they all happened just yesterday. I remember staying up really late to watch Japan-Korea 2002. I remember the fantastic roast chicken I made (recipe by the NAKED chef) which set off the smoke detectors. And I remember when my roommate busted her car stereo after driving her bright blue Beetle down the ocean road and playing "soak up the sun" for 14 continuous hours.

I remember the time when I myself was struggling with my sexuality, when I wasn't sure if I was gay. The years I spent clinging on to the straight life because I thought it was going to be easier, when I lived in fear of being found out.

Looking back -- though it's so hard to really know for sure now -- I think I didn't come out because I was afraid my mom would be terribly saddened. My dad and mom never had a great relationship with each other. My mom's happiness always seemed to hinge on her kids because she loved us so much. So for many years, even though I wanted to be completely honest with her, I couldn't. I spent those years escaping, hiding, concealing, pretending, and trying to get away as much as I could. I decided one day that it was all wrong; denial wasn't the life I wanted to lead.

Now I know that I worried for nothing. My mom never expected me to be anything I wasn't, she only wanted me to be happy and healthy. And I know that coming out to her is the best decision I've taken in my life, because the relationship I have with mom has never been this great.