Sleep

I'm so exhausted now I've got to sack up real soon. The truth is, I wanted to write my thoughts today because I was feeling a lot again. It's a hard time for me now, because I've been through a lot and realized much lately, and too many things are beyond my control right now. I'm feeling a lot of pressure knowing I've never been so afraid of failing before because nothing has ever mattered so much. I've never felt such a strong need to live up to my ideals before. The pressure got to me today and I couldn't control my emotions, which maybe explains why I'm feeling so done in.

There's too much to write, that I don't think I'll do justice to my thoughts if I were to start now. They are forbiddingly complex right now, I'm not sure if I can handle them.

All that keeps me alive these days is swimming. Honestly I don't know what I'd be like right now, if I couldn't go swimming everyday. The few minutes of absolute, complete calm I feel after I pull myself up from the water after the workout -- I need them like a drug everyday now.